La vie de Sarah

Thanks

2012-02-16T17:03:00.002-06:00

My mom instilled in me the practice of thanking people. While I for sure know I will always have room to grow in this practice, I'm grateful that she taught me how to send thank you notes or give thank you gifts or even just say thanks to others. But she didn't teach it to me as a "thing you do" but instead as an overflow of a thankful heart when someone took time out of their lives to do something, give something, or serve others. So, when I give thanks, it's most definitely genuine and very often pales in comparison to what I'm really feeling.

Anyway, there are people I'm probably not as good with thanking. And this week, I realized how taking the time could encourage them.

So I've been going to my gym consistently for over a year. Through that time, there are several classes that I've been going to week in and week out, and yet the instructors have no earthly idea who I am. I'm not sure why, but I guess I always figured they'd have no interest in knowing my name or what I thought. I've learned that that is most definitely not true!

A few weeks ago, a girl I go to class with asked me if I'd be interested in joining her, our instructor, and another girl for dinner. I said sure and, during that time, realized that this instructor, Maggie, had noticed me through the year (she's actually a new instructor but used to go to classes with me). She said she's actually a little shy and tends to not introduce herself to members thinking they may just want to workout. But that she always enjoys knowing the people in her class. Since then, it's been so fun to see her at the gym and say hi!

After that encounter, I decided to be brave and tell my favorite instructor, Julie, thanks. She teaches my favorite zumba class and I genuinely credit some of my love for fitness and boldness to try other classes to her class. At the same time, though, I was sure she'd have no interest in knowing who I was since there's 50+ people in that class. Anyway, I ended up emailing her first as I also had a few questions about training and knew I wouldn't be at the next class. She responded sounding excited that I took the time to thank her and asked that I introduce myself.

I happened to see her today and so was brave (yes, I realize I have issues...) and walked up to her. She said she was so encouraged that I took the time to write her as usually the feedback they receive is someone complaining. She then said she had seen me in class and was apparently going to ask me something once recently (I was dancing weird because of my back), but didn't want me to feel called-out in front of that many people.

Anyway, it was a fun lesson for me. For one, how much a simple thanks can encourage another person. For two, maybe I'm not as invisible as I sometimes feel. Maybe people do notice me and I just need to step outside of my comfort zone and approach them.

Maybe I'll start working on building that practice. And it is fun that, after a year of going, I'm starting to make "gym friends." :)

I've been thinking a lot about balance, too...probably partially from missing yoga like crazy. In any case, may post something about that, more in an attempt to help sort it out in my head.

In the meantime, I'll just end with the traditional end of yoga practice thanks.

Namaste. :)

Happy Thoughts

2012-02-10T08:44:00.004-06:00

I've always been a fan of Peter Pan. I loved the magic world of Never Land, the adventures of the lost boys, and the ability to fly.

One of my favorite renditions of the Peter Pan story is most definitely the Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman version of Hook. It's so darn good. I think partially because it shows Robin (aka adult Peter) getting back in-touch with his childhood dreams and transitioning from boringness to adventure and zest. I love this. And this was always one of my most favorite scenes as a kid:

What on earth does this have to do with the price of tea in China?

I'm probably reaching, but go with me for a minute.

In the story of Peter Pan, the way they are able to fly is by thinking happy thoughts. Any negativity would prohibit them from being able to fly as it diminished the dust Tinker Bell spread.

Obviously I can never literally fly (though I sure do think it'd be awesome!), but I do think my spirit can be released and fly in a sense. Pushing into dreams, releasing creativity, and experiencing full joy.

So I started to wonder, perhaps negative thoughts limit this flying ability. When I instantly think I can't do something or focus on my flaws, it limits the ability to fly.

Maybe not, but it's something to think about. In the meantime, bangarang. :)

Cultivating Joy

2012-01-31T13:22:00.000-06:00

Almost a year ago, my sweet roommate and dear friend started what she has coined her “pony journal.” I for the life of me cannot remember how it got that name, but I do remember the content: it’s a journal where she specifically focuses on thanking the Lord. I remember being encouraged when she shared with our community group that she was starting this, thinking how great it was that the Lord had stirred her heart in this way. But for me, it sort of ended there. Not because I thought her idea was bad, but I didn’t really think it was something I needed to consider. Ha.

The bible talks a lot about joy, particularly in the New Testament. Being a words person, I’ll be honest that it’s a tricky one for me. I think to some degree, it’s because it’s lost its luster and power through over or misuse. It’s so often tied to happiness and, while I know in my head they’re not the same thing, I’ve never been able to work out fully in my mind how they differ. I know I want joy more than happiness, as it’s deep seeding, but how does one get that?

Fast forward to this month. A month of hard things and loss in my family, on top of a few years of hard things. I’ll be honest that there have been many times where I’ve literally yelled (okay, maybe just yelled in my head), “Lord, what the world are you doing?” At times the junk feels so heavy, I feel I may be crushed. Last week as I pondered my extreme desire for comfort and ease, I realized that’s a clue to my heart yearning for heaven. A soft reminder that this world is not intended to be home, and it’s good if I feel a little uncomfortable here. And we’ll never be without pain, for sin roams the earth and Satan seeks someone to destroy.

As I thought about this, I realized the best way to defeat this push-pull feeling was to press harder into God’s word, the Spirit’s leading, pray big prayers, and seek eternal change. No, it doesn’t mean I need to quit life and hunker down in a room with my bible alone and be monk-like, but instead to see each moment and each relationship as an opportunity to share love, truth, and serve someone. Engaging intentionally with everyone from the girl standing next to me at zumba to the check-out person at the store to my friends and family; and praying to have the strength and boldness to do so, as it sort of exhausts me to do that on my own (which is good because I couldn’t anyway).

I thought about all of this, and still wondered, though, about that joy thing. Where does that come in? Does joy stem from service? Maybe. Does it stem from sharing the gospel? Sure. But how do you really cultivate a joy that moves mountains and gives peace to your heart in the midst of whatever?

And then I sort of got it.

I’ve been reading a book off-and-on and, in reading on Sunday night realized through the help of the author that joy stems from a thankful heart in all circumstances. I’ve let that idea mull in my mind a bit, and then this morning was reminded of the directive in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Give thanks.

Joy exists above happiness. It’s above circumstances and apart from feelings. And I think that author may be onto something…joy is cultivated when we, regardless of what is going on, take time to acknowledge that God is sovereign and holy and good. And we do that by thanking him. And thanking him, earnestly not giving lip service, submits our hearts his will and reminds us of the Cross, his healing power, and his promise to make ALL things work for the good of those who love him. The world may fall apart, we may be wrecked like Job, but none of those things can steal joy that comes from our bowing down before Christ.

I think this will be a slow learning process for me as it’s most definitely a hard lesson to break-down pride. But I’m thankful for the opportunity to learn, and thankful that the Lord continues to peel back layers and change more and more of my heart.

And, while I know there’s a purpose behind the “pony journal” even though I can’t remember it, I think I’ll opt for a more Sarah-ish name for my intentional practice of cultivating joy: le journal joyeux de coeur. :)

Rut

2012-01-26T12:52:00.002-06:00

I'm in a bit of a rut with the Lord. There are a lot of reasons and, if I'm really honest, it all rests on my stubborn shoulders.

Anyway, I was just perusing a few blogs while eating my extremely random lunch, and the idea from this one intrigued me.

If I'm honest, sometimes when I read the Sermon on the Mount, I feel a little overwhelmed. As a whole, it feels so heavy and rules-driven. While reading the entry and considering my previous feelings surrounding this sermon, I started wondering if taking it carefully, slowly, and allowing it to be written on my heart would open it up. Perhaps meditating and memorizing, as opposed to simply reading, would deepen my understanding of Jesus' words. I know they're important.

So, I'm going to try it out. She already did the work breaking the sermon into 52 weeks of memory, and made handy dandy cards that can be printed and inserted however I'd like.

I know it'll change me, for God's word always does. Can't wait to see how.

Downward Facing Dog

2012-01-23T21:06:00.003-06:00

I just did a little down dog action and it felt sooooooooo good. Would have loved to do more, but figured I shouldn't push it until I start physical therapy. If you have the ability to be active and aren't, do it! If for no other reason than to be thankful for an able body.

When I was mentally debating whether it'd be okay to try it (my body said yes, my brain was a little scared...body won), I started to think about how different my desires are from a year ago. This time last year, even after I'd started WW, I would have easily gone two weeks without going to the gym. I'd have come up with excuse after excuse for why I couldn't go.

Fast forward a year and I'm borderline depressed that I can't go. I've had dreams about my favorite classes, am jealous of the fitness attire clad folks who are walking into the Y every time I drive by my gym (which is several times a day since it's down the street...), and am quite appalled that it'll be two weeks tomorrow since I've last worked out. This injury has certainly made me thankful for this change and made it strikingly apparent that fitness is now woven into the fabric of my schedule, lifestyle, and brings great joy! That excites me.

It also inspires me that perhaps other parts of my life can be changed.

For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with feeling lonely. I've always had a difficult time having more than a few good friends and then have seemed to eventually struggled even with them. Maybe I've hurt those friends somehow, I don't know. In any case, I've always been one of those people that feels forgotten, overlooked, and misunderstood. Many tears have been shed as I've wondered what was wrong with me and how I could change.

I don't say that to incite sympathy or anything. I've been thinking a lot the past few months about this, and wondering if perhaps these feelings were stemmed in some sort of personality flaw of mine since I'm the common thread through friends over the years. So, although I don't know what that flaw is, I'm hopeful that perhaps through deep instrospection and prayer, I can determine what it is. And then with the same diligence and work that I invested in changing my lifestyle and mindset as it relates to healthy living and fitness, I will work to harness in changing the thing or things that need to be changed.

And, to show even more how I've changed, I decided that someday I hope to be certified to teach fitness classes, especially zumba and yoga. It's still a ways down the road, but even the prospect is exciting.

Fitness has given me confidence as I've seen visible change and now, through this injury, have seen how much my heart has changed. Prayerful this confidence will aid me as I seek to change other aspects of myself for better.

Bring on the down dogs...

My Granddaddy

2012-01-16T06:10:00.002-06:00

My Granddaddy went to be with Jesus a few hours ago. There was an obituary that was written that speaks of all the amazing ways my Granddaddy served this nation, including as a Special Forces officer in the army, defending freedom in the Korean and Vietnam wars and as an attorney serving as a public defender, championing justice. And also how he joined the High Pointers Club in his 70s, traveling to the highest point of 36 of our 50 states before he turned 80.

To me, this picture is Granddaddy. A man full of joy, looking slightly like Santa Claus, with a contagious laugh, thoughtful, intelligent, a servant, loving, and somewhat quiet. My Granddaddy.

I wrote Granddaddy a letter last week for his birthday, and thought I'd include some of those highlights to share his spirit with others.

1. The summer I turned 13, Granddaddy took my brother and me on a white water rafting trip in Idaho. For four-five days, we traveled down the Salmon and Snake rivers (with a guide of course), camped on beaches along the river, and enjoyed nature. He subsequently took all of my other cousins in following years. Granddaddy loved spending time with his grandchildren and this will always be a trip I will treasure and remember fondly.

2. The summer I got my driver's license, Granddaddy decided I needed to have further instructions on parking, so every morning we were there that week, he took me to the University of Arkansas (they lived in Fayetteville) to practice in a parking lot. One day he told me I was better at driving backwards than forwards. :) I like to credit part of my ticket-less driving record to those practices.

3. Times at my grandparents' house was always filled with playing games, especially if my cousins were also there. Hearts was the card game of choice, and then we'd drag out a host of different other games from Triominoes to Monopoly. I remember one time my brother, Adam, cousins Mat and Jon, Granddaddy, and I were playing Monopoly, but the kids teamed up (I was with Mat and Adam with Jon). Mat and I have always been rule followers where as Adam and Jon...not so much. They were cheating (I don't even remember how) and when Mat and I realized, we told Granddaddy. He responded that we should have been paying attention and noticed sooner. Oh Granddaddy. :)

4. Granddaddy HATED gummy worms. And yet, I loved them. One of my favorite things to do was give him gummy worms because he made the best face (that's actually what the above picture is of). I will forever remember that face and the belly laugh that accompanied the smile.

5. Every year for my birthday, Mammy and Granddaddy would call and sing. Except halfway through, Granddaddy would bow out because he liked to listen to Mammy sing.

6. I'll remember the creak of his old rocking chair, the pristine organization of his desk in which everything sat at perfect right angles, how he would make me breakfast every morning when I visited complete with a banana (which he cut open for me) and grape juice, and so much more that I could write volumes.

Last night at shoreline we sang the song Forever Reign and I completely lost it. Big ugly cry. This song always instigates emotion as it reminds me of Brazil, but last night, I was also just grieving over so many hard things in my life and the lives of friends and one of my college girls. It reminds me that there are hard things, wicked things, but also joyful things that occur in this life. And even so, my heart will sing, no other name...Jesus.

On my way home, I switched to another favorite, Constant. As I listened and reminded myself of Jesus' faithfulness, love, perfection, etc, etc, I realized I have been looking for heaven on earth; for myself and others. And I remembered yet again, it will not come. There will be trials, persecution, and challenges until God takes me or Jesus returns.

As I continued to ponder this when I got home, I began to pray for God to take Granddaddy to heaven. For Him to give me boldness to share the Truth of heaven more freely and frequently, and for my life, no matter what I'm doing, to sing praises to His name.

Granddaddy is whole. He's with Jesus. And not because of the good things he's done, but because he's recognized that he is unable to achieve heaven through any good works. Only by accepting Jesus' free gift of grace is he in heaven. For that assurance, I will mourn and grieve him leaving this earth, but I will rejoice that I know he is whole. His strength was failing, and now he'll sing Jesus' praises forevermore.

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

Thank you, God, for my Granddaddy. For using him to teach me so many things, for the joy he has brought into my life, but more than anything, please use him to draw me closer to you and, with greater boldness and zeal for heaven, share your Truth with those you've placed in my life. Thank you for the gift of life and the gift of death when both are walked with you.

Come quickly, Jesus, come quickly.

Irritated

2012-01-13T16:21:00.003-06:00

So, I somehow managed to herniate a disc in my spine. Yeah, I'm a smart one, eh? But you want to know the kicker? More than annoyance with the pain (though it's pretty much some of the worst pain I've ever felt), I'm annoyed that I can't go to zumba.

Yes, I have problems...

Here's hoping that a mix of heavy-duty pain meds, muscle relaxers, steroids, and physical therapy will make my back a-okay again. And not greatly impact my new workout loves.

Till then, I'll just listen to some Latin and Latin-inspired music and dream about future zumba days. You think I kid... :)

Some 2012 Goals

2012-01-02T11:56:00.002-06:00

Well, it’s January. By far my least favorite month of the year. So blah. I wonder if January is anyone’s favorite month? Hmm…

Anyway, this year I decided to participate in the goal setting process for 2012 as opposed to resolutions. I like the idea of goals as opposed to resolutions since they have more flexibility and celebrate the process of achieving them (including grace when there’s a setback) as opposed to the finite “succeed or fail” feeling that stems from resolutions.

I broke them up into several categories and have listed some of my goals below (there are a few more which I don't want to share with the cyber world). I didn’t necessarily place timing on these. Maybe that’s wrong for real goal creating, but it felt too restrictive for me.

Spiritual
1. Follow the Journey in 2012 (reading through the New Testament)
2. Practice meditation on God’s truth without analyzing, simply sitting still to “listen”
3. Focus on working through things with the Lord first
4. Increase practice of Scripture memory

Healthy Living
1. Achieve my goal weight!!
2. Successfully proceed through the maintenance phase to achieve lifetime membership of WW (six weeks maintaining +/- two pounds of my goal weight)
3. Try new foods that I’ve been afraid to attempt cooking
4. Increase frequency of my yoga practice…added goal: complete all chaturangas without dropping to my knees! And complete wheel (backbend) from the floor as opposed to from three-legged dog
5. Participate in spin classes more frequently on non-zumba days for cardio
6. Increase weight at Bodypump with the goal of toning (I don’t want to be big and muscular :))

Financial
1. Follow the cash system for food, entertainment, and hobbies
2. Continue to work to increase savings and pay-off debt

Personal/Attitude
1. Focus on the positive in myself and my circumstances
2. Rest my mind more frequently (tied to Scripture meditation and yoga, too)
3. Consider myself as someone valuable, worth getting to know, and interesting

Others-Centered
1. Write to my sponsored child regularly
2. Expand my horizons with friends, reaching-out to people including new possible friends
3. Continue to get to know my new small group girls (I hope to have new goals related to them as the year progresses, but am still in the process of getting to know them)

For Fun/Artistic
1. Finish knitting my first sweater!
2. Machine embroider something for me, which I have yet to do since receiving my machine from my grandmother (everything has been given to others)
3. Work on a project I have in mind for my niece :)
4. Drink more hot tea in pretty teacups
5. Light more candles
6. Read more than watching television

Then vs. Now

2011-12-20T09:11:00.003-06:00

I've hit a plateau in my weight loss progress, mostly because I'm working to enjoy the holidays. I haven't gained much, but I haven't lost either. I was feeling a little discouraged as I had hoped to hit my goal by the end of the year, so instead of fretting, I decided to remind myself of how far I've come.

This picture was taken last Christmas. I've never shown it to anyone as I hated it. I felt so awful physically last fall and, after seeing this, even on the little display on my camera, decided change was necessary. Later that night I weighed myself at my parents' house and, while I wanted to cry, instead let it be a driving force for change. That "straw that broke the camel's back" sort of thing.

Fast forward eleven months to Thanksgiving. I'm still at roughly the same weight as Thanksgiving; I also wanted to compare to another picture with my hair back to be "fair." Down 45 lbs with about 10 to go.

Yes, I still have about 10 lbs to go, but I think I've covered a lot of ground in the last 11 months. And I'm thankful for the stamina, diligence (I'm not so good with the diligence sometimes), and newfound love of fitness and healthy eating.

And since I am close to goal, I'll share the reward I plan to give to myself. A pretty dress (most likely on sale) from Anthropologie. Surprised? :)

Confession

2011-12-16T11:56:00.003-06:00

I think pictures with Santa are slightly creepy.

Thousands of kids sitting on an unknown man's knee, spreading germs and taking pictures. Kinda creeps me out.

I've thought this for a while, but only recently verbalized said creepiness to my mom. She then let me know that I was afraid of Santa as a kid, so she only has one picture of me with him...and one with my dad dressed as Santa for an Officer's Club Christmas party (yes, we knew it was dad). Guess this has been a lifelong thought. I'd blame it on the creepy Santa in A Christmas Story, but obviously I didn't see that until I was older. Hmm...I don't know where this stems from.

Yes, I have issues.

Sparkles & Bends

2011-12-15T10:15:00.003-06:00

Um, could my nieces be any cuter in their sparkly pink TOMS?!?! Gift courtesy of my aunt, Amy. I can't wait to give them both hugs over Christmas!

Secondly, I'm in some serious need of this:

Well, my backbends are so not as graceful...I look more like a deformed animal, but you get the point. My back has been so stiff and achy this week! It's ready for some intense yoga-ing on Saturday, followed by lovely zumba.

Happy almost Friday! Today is insane for me, but will probably go fast, so that's nice. :) Can't believe it's almost Christmas!

Assuming

2011-12-12T10:42:00.002-06:00

Donald Miller tweeted this picture this morning and, while seemingly simple, I thought it was actually quite profound, particularly for me.

I smiled when I read his line "I assume I'm a bother or a drain." Can I tell you how many times that exact thought, or something strickingly similar, has crossed my mind? I rarely think people want to talk to or hang out with me.

Challenged to reframe my thinking. And not in a prideful way, but in a Christ-honoring way.

Compliments

2011-11-30T10:40:00.002-06:00

A few weeks ago someone told me my outfit was cute and looked very 1940s.

Today someone told me I could pass as a French person.

These are very, very good compliments in the book of Sarah. Seriously.

Merci mes amis, merci.

The Plot Thickens

2011-11-21T14:12:00.003-06:00

I think I may be turning into a crazy person. Or, at the very least, a person who's thoughts are being continually turned upside down; really across a lot of my life, but today's relates specifically to poverty. Because, why not?

I'm currently reading a book (along with two others...) called Brother, I'm Dying. It's an autobiography written by a Haitian-American immigrant who spent her childhood in Haiti, much of which was apart from her parents, and adult life in America. I'm only about 50 pages in, but was struck by something she wrote regarding her father in setting the stage of why her parents immigrated from Haiti to America, leaving their two oldest children with family for eight years.

Her father was skilled as a tailor, making simple clothes for Haitians. In the 60s, a stream of used clothes from America flooded Haiti and thereby removed the need for Haitian tailors or seamstresses as the Haitians have a tendency to think American products are better than their own. Her father looked for work in other areas, but continued to struggle, particularly after a wave of government corruption hit and gangs took what they wanted. Given that, he left for America to find work.

What the world?!?!

I was, once again, struck by how sometimes our efforts to help can inadvertently hurt. Yes, the donated clothes were likely given in an attempt to help, but perhaps that wasn't the best course of action (obviously I have no idea if it was or wasn't, this is merely an observation)? Or perhaps it was part of the Lord's plan and was a piece of the story to get us where we are today. I don't know.

In any case, though, I continue to be challenged to not try to fix everything (in poverty, friends, life, etc.). And to not act hastily apart from the Spirit's leading, while knowing that at times His leading may lead to struggle. He is sovereign and can fix my blunders, but sometimes a little pausing, praying, and considering what He says may prevent some blunders.

Train of Thought

2011-11-18T16:16:00.003-06:00

I had a conversation the other day with my mom about the Robin Hood law (is it a law officially?). If you aren't familiar, it's where a portion of taxes from wealthy areas are moved to low income areas to support schools. We were discussing the complexities of this process, which led to discussing the complexities of poverty and poverty alleviation.

Although it's been a few days, the conversation has stuck with me. I started thinking about some arguments against the Robin Hood law (we're calling it a law for now :)) saying the wealthy work hard for their salaries and deserve to have it stay within their school districts, supporting their schools.

But I think there's a major flaw in this view. Not necessarily as it relates to the law, but how it relates to the way people become wealthy...working hard. In a way, it assumes that the materially poor do not work hard and therefore deserve their poverty state. While yes, there are materially poor people who are lazy, but there are probably just as many wealthy who are lazy. So putting those aside and focusing on the hard workers, think about it.

Would you say these people are lazy?

Or this child?

Or this woman?

Or these sweet ones?

Or, taking it closer to home, other people who are often materially poor: the construction worker, the housekeeper, the 7-11 attendant, the yard maintenance person?

To me, poverty goes so far beyond work ethic.

As one of the world's wealthy, even though I'm far from wealthy by American standards, when I look at my life and what I have, I didn't write my steps. Sure, I do work hard, but I did not choose to be born into a family that valued education. I had no control over my ability to understand in school which led to eventual college acceptance, college graduation, job acceptance, and job retention.

God controls those things. He chose where I was born. He formed my brain. He gives the ability to comprehend and apply. No amount of will power would change any of that apart from his will.

So, then, if he controls, allowing some to be wealthy and some to be materially poor, why would there be poverty, wickedness, abuse, addictions, and all-other-forms-of-ugly-and-broken-things?

This is something I've been wrestling with, too. He's good, so why is there bad. In my head, I know it's because of sin. The fall. But that knowledge hasn't always seeped into the crevices of my heart when I face the ugliness in my own life and the world.

How do we reconcile the awful brokenness of this world with a God who is good and perfect?

Jesus.

God is sovereign. He allows sin to exist on this earth and, while I don't understand it, I have to trust that he is Elohim, Creator, and knows more than I do. That he sees more than I can.

And when I struggle to understand, or struggle against the temptation to see him as keeping good from us/me, I look to the manger and the cross.

Jesus is hope. Jesus proves that God knows the wretchedness that exists because of our sinful nature stemming from the fall, but refuses to let us go. He refuses and demonstrated sacrificial love by becoming and dwelling with man, living in the wretchedness, and dying for said wretchedness.

When I struggle, I look at Jesus and remember that God is good. That he loves. That he writes the story. That he controls.

So then, my wealth, my life, my everything...it's not mine. It all belongs to the Giver and Sustainer of life.

May he forever direct my heart, my steps, my life to serve others and to bring him glory. And may Jesus come quickly to rescue us all from this wretchedness.

Day 9

2011-11-09T09:38:00.002-06:00

Today I'm thankful for this story.

For the provision provided within and the timing with which I became aware of said provision. For the author's rawness and unknowingly encouraging others through her words.

And for Haiti; how it is being changed from the inside out, and that I am eternally blessed to have walked it's dirt roads, hugged it's children, sang praises with it's people, and loved its beauty.

Under the Microscope

2011-11-08T13:00:00.003-06:00

Lately, I've sort of felt like I was living under a microscope. And I don't particularly like science (which makes the fact I was both an engineering and nursing major in college quite amusing)...

As I ponder this notion, I can't help but remember my days in high school science class. I had a love/hate relationship with lab days. On one hand, it broke the monotony of lectures, but on the other, it made it unbelievably clear how much I had no clue as to what the world I was doing... Sometimes I'm not sure how I passed biology or chemistry...in high school or college! Anyway, I remember the microscope days. You know the ones, when you're supposed to look at gross, weird stuff on the little slide? Yeah, I feel like I was great at faking it. I'd look and say I saw X and Y, when in reality it looked like a gross blob.

I think perhaps my teachers liked my creative responses? Who knows. Back to present day.

Along with not being a fan of science, I'm also not a fan of looking at myself or thinking about how I feel. It's interesting as I'm most definitely a feelings-based person, but when it's about me? No thanks. I'd rather focus on you. Or the random person I don't know. Or imaginary people. (before you think I'm crazy on that last one, I mean fictional characters...you know, books, movies, TV shows)

Lately I feel like I'm being pushed on that weirdo slide and shoved under the microscope. And then, to make it even more uncomfortable, am forced to look myself. So not a fan! I don't particularly want to see the gross blobs. The parts of my story I wish would just disappear (and you can bet your bottom dollar I've prayed that they would...hey, God can do that).

And yet, as a glutton for punishment, I keep going back to that science class. I keep allowing myself to be microscoped. And keep looking in that greasy eye piece (I remember them being greasy; random, I know). And keep analyzing the blobs and trying to figure out answers, yet typically turning up with none.

I hate the microscope. I sort of want to break the microscope, and yet I know it's necessary. I'm fighting it tooth and nail, sometimes thinking it's a big waste of time and energy, and sometimes feeling like a horrible person as I get tired of looking at my own blobs. I don't want to look at mine! I want to help others and not be annoying by asking others to help me decipher said blobs!

Even so, I know I have to keep going. Keep listening to the Instructor, keep looking at the microscope, and trust that eventually the blobs will make sense with the Instructor's help.

So while I hate the microscope, I'm choosing to be thankful for it.

Constant & Great Name

2011-11-08T08:24:00.003-06:00

Today, I'm thankful for these two songs.

The first has been on replay for quite some time (though not this version, I prefer the one from the Passion album :)). I think part of the reason it's extra special is that I first heard it with my sweet college girls on the way to our retreat last spring. We had a tradition of listening to and singing praise music the whole way to our small group retreats, which ALWAYS were some of the sweetest moments of the trip. And pointed to how much growth they've had from the days of Fergie and other Top 40 hits blaring...we transitioned to blaring praises to Jesus.

The second is a newer one for me that I just downloaded last week after hearing on the radio. It's actually spurred an interest in further understanding the names of God, as I think perhaps that may help me better understand his character. And I'm sort of confused by his character right now.

Enjoy. May they encourage you, too.

Obsession

2011-11-04T19:09:00.002-05:00

I have a completely unhealthy obsession with these shoes. I very well may start dreaming about them.

They're so pretty. *sigh*

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Yesterday's Thanks

2011-11-04T08:24:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I slept pretty much all but four hours of the day. I really hate being sick. And while I still don't feel well today, knew I needed to go to work purely because I have so much to do.

So my thanks for yesterday is:

1. Sick time and the ability to sleep most of the day in a cozy bed

2. Nyquil. They miracle medicine that helps me sleep when my head and throat are throbbing

3. Sweet friends who check-in on me. I'm a little like my dad, though, and always worry I'll get others sick so tend to go being sick alone. I greatly appreciate those of you who did check-in!

4. A body that, with God's help, has the ability to fight whatever is wrong and heal itself

Now here's hoping I feel 100% tomorrow. Or maybe even later today.

29 Days

2011-11-02T08:17:00.006-05:00

I'm stealing an idea from a friend, but tweaking it a bit. I'm working through some things right now in which I think it would be beneficial to sow a thankful heart. Therefore, I want to take time every day for the month of November to recognize and write-out what I'm thankful for. Hopefully this practice will develop a habit, but I'm at least aiming to focus for this month.

I may not blog everyday as some of my thankful things may not be things I want to share with the whole world (not that I have more than one or two readers, but still).

For day one, though...

1. My sweet nieces who bring joy to my life. Thankful they are being raised to know who Jesus is and why he is the most important man they could ever meet. And thankful they're girly and cute. :)

McKenzie is a precious, dear little evangelist. And, as I've said before, she shares my love for all things French...and scarves. Morgan is a squishy love bug who smiles like it's nobody's business. Unless she's hungry, in which case she resorts to growling. Oh and her choice for getting around is currently rolling. Goofy girl.

2. Discipleship. I think I could write a novel and still not come close to expressing how thankful I am for being blessed with the opportunity to share in the lives with others. Nor how much I love these four precious girls!

Melissa and Emily surprised me last weekend and came to serve at Hideaway, our high school retreat! They served beautifully (not surprising at all...they have such servant's hearts) and shared about their idols to encourage/challenge the students. They did SO well and I am just so darn proud of them. And yes, I maybe had to try not to cry when I said bye. Oh, and I may get to see Margaret this weekend...three girls in one week? Yes, please!

I'm also beyond thankful for the opportunity to continue discipleship with my new group of freshman girls. Excited to continue to get to know them and shepherd them in Christ. I pray they, too, will be ripples for Christ's love.

3. David Crowder Band's Christmas album. Yes, it's only November 2nd and yes, I've taken to listening to this album pretty heavily over the past week. And I don't care that it's still before Thanksgiving.

Lately I've been faced in a big way with the depravity of man and this world. The Truth of Christmas and the hope that comes with the birth of dear Jesus is helping me to see through the depravity and on to beauty, joy, and love.

And besides, for all we know Jesus' birthday is tomorrow. :)

4. Community. For loving me in the midst of my ugliness, anger, and bitterness. And for a host of other things. :)

5. Laughter and penguins. Monday night I was at a thing and was about to share something that was challenging. Right before I started talking, a woman walked in dressed as a penguin. While it was Halloween, this venue was not quite costume-appropriate, so for a moment my inner Billy Madison kicked-in and I thought perhaps I was seeing things. Alas, it was just a woman dressed as a penguin. It -brought a big, laugh-to-tears moment among the women I was with.

That's it for now. I feel like junk and just finished work for the evening so think I'll hit the hay since my head may soon explode and I have about 24 hours of work to do tomorrow... Oy, is it Friday, yet? :)

No Talking

2011-10-21T15:19:00.002-05:00

I failed my no eating out test. Though I think I have a good excuse.

I have a poor little ole sad tooth that has gone through the ringer in the past five years. It broke and has since gone through three crowns, one because it didn't like it, another because it made it angry, and now the third which it seems to be friends with. Even so, tooth is still quite sad and has given me trouble the past month or so, but was sneaky and masking it's frustration in other ways. It doesn't know good coping skills.

This past weekend in California (which I'll update on later), it decided to make its present frustrations known. I went back to the tooth doctor, who sent me to a special tooth doctor, who said tooth is angry and needs to have its nerves removed. Aka, root canal. I hemmed and hawed, and then decided that I'd allow tooth to be happy.

Well, it most definitely is not. Tooth got sick with an infection, so the root canal has to be executed across two weeks. Round one was Wednesday, and it has subsequently wreaked havoc on my mouth. Pain and some intense swelling. I suppose tooth's last hurrah is to make me look like a one-sided chipmunk! Grr...

So onto the no talking and failing on my no eating out goal. Essentially, it hurts to talk. Sort of challenging in my job, especially when I have client meetings and such. And it's also hard to eat. Partially because of chipmunk cheeks, but also because I'm only allowed to eat on one side. Seemingly easy, yet challenging given upset jaw and chipmunk cheeks... So I've resorted to smoothies and soup. It's been a whirlwind of not feeling well and work since root canal was done, so it's been easier to buy as opposed to standing in the kitchen and cooking.

On top of that, the medicine I'm on makes me nauseous. That is sort of why canned soup hasn't been tried. I have some, but the thought makes me a little, um, queasy.

I made some chili yesterday in the crock pot (aka throw a buncha stuff in a pot and let it stew). Going to try that tonight.

So here's hoping angry, sad ole tooth gets better and happy. I'm tired of looking like a chipmunk and being in pain. And I sort of like to talk. And I'm mad I may not be able to go to zumba tomorrow if it still hurts...we all know how I feel about that!!

In other news, sad tooth has made me so humbly grateful that antibiotics, doctors, dentists, and easy-to-eat-when-my-mouth-hurts food options exist for me. And exist so easily! So many other people in this would could die from an angry tooth. I hate that.

Thy Kingdom come.

Crush

2011-10-14T08:04:00.001-05:00

So I have a crush...on a dead guy...

I'm currently reading Eric Metaxas' biography on Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and it's amazing. And I now have a crush on ole Dietrich. Sadly he was a martyr and died at the hands of the Nazi's in World War II, so I'm out of luck.

Regardless, it's incredible to read about someone who fought for injustice during a dark period of history. Read it. Maybe you'll get a crush, too!

This also makes me want to read Eric's other biography, Amazing Grace, about William Wilberforce, another man who fought against injustice and was used to impact the end of the slave trade in England (it's a movie, too). Maybe I'll get a crush on him, too. :)

No More Eating Out...

2011-10-13T13:28:00.002-05:00

...well, not ever, just for two weeks.

Tomorrow I leave for California for a long weekend to visit my brother, Adam, and his lovely family of girls. I can't wait! We're going to San Francisco on Saturday and I haven't been there in about 18 years. Ca-razy! I can't believe it's been that long since we lived in California...

I'm excited and will be sure to post lots of pictures and fun updates of the cuties! Random side note of cuteness, I called Adam on Tuesday and McKenzie answered. She then told me she's six now and reminded me that I haven't seen her since she was only five (mind you, I last saw her a mere five months ago...though that's an eternity for a six year old!).

Anyway, I've been thinking about my struggle with balance and reflecting on the pace of my life this fall. Which is essentially 110%. I was also thinking about my goals and struggles. Through that, I decided to do a little test starting Tuesday (I'm in California until Monday night) to run for the rest of October.

I'm going to attempt, very hard, to not eat out for the rest of the month.

My speed demon, overflowing life makes the appeal of picked-up meals or walks to Whole Foods (I stare at it out my office window!) very tempting. And that just isn't so great for my wallet, or my waistline!

This will be challenging in that I do have a crazy schedule right now, but also because I'm already apt to inadvertently forget my nicely packed lunch as it is. Also, most nights I'll need to pack a lunch and dinner since I have something nightly until 9-ish (except Wednesday!). I will also have to be diligent with cooking meals for the week on Sunday, or else I'll end up eating just sandwiches which, although not bad, don't allow for much variety. And if I end up eating the same thing every day, I'm more apt to be greatly tempted by the Whole Foods! :)

So, two week challenge. We'll reevaluate, and perhaps then I can continue with minor modifications (i.e. dinners with friends which aren't really a struggle since they don't happen that frequently...it's the solo eating out that's a bug!).

Wish me luck!

Music to Fall Into

2011-10-12T07:58:00.000-05:00

I love the power music has to transport, evoke emotions, set an ambiance, wrap you up like a blanket, and so much more. My miriage of styles and artists each have a place and each impact me in different ways.

Right now I'm quite obsessed with Katie Herzig's newest album, The Waking Sleep. It's full of interesting sounds through the use of cellos, violins, and the piano (all of which instantly cool-ify music in my book...along with the banjo). But even more than that, with several songs on the album, I feel as though I'm falling into another world. A magical one, full of vintage beauty.

Since the album was only released a few weeks ago and Katie has since had a family tragedy, there are no videos up of my favorites on the album. However, the above video was her announcement of the coming release and includes a snipit of one. Plus, it's just pretty with the vintage feel. :)

Enjoy. And yes, I fully recognize my view and take of music is probably bizarre to some (i.e. the falling into it reference). Oh well, you're just missing out. :)

Balance

2011-09-27T08:04:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just want to go back here. Life is insane, things pile up, and I think about the beautiful beach and beautiful people of Haiti. I think about how challenging, yet how simple life is there. Granted, we were there for a defined period, sort of like a strange vacation, so real life somewhat fades away. But it was certainly more simple.

Some days lately I feel as though my brain may explode. Not literally, but there's so much going on and I feel pulled in a hundred different directions. Work has exploded again, and there's added pressure as our agency is merging offline and online (which I know probably doesn't mean anything to folks not in my industry), so I essentially will have to learn a new role while still managing all of my accounts...this starts on Monday.

Student ministry has returned full-force. While I don't feel the same level of connection as usual since I'm with a new group and don't know them yet, I have a mix of feelings as I want to get to know the new girls, lead them well, and keep track of my college girls (which is proving difficult given their college crazy schedules).

I'm working on a few things personally which, are ultimately good things, but hard and take lots of time, energy, and emotional focus.

I'm 14 lbs away from my goal weight. And yet it seems so far away, partially because all of the above things steal my time and attention and I feel like there's little left for me to cook healthy meals and work-out to the level that I'd like to, and that I was last spring and this summer. I haven't gained anything back since life exploded to this level a month ago (and actually lost some two weeks ago), but I'd like these last pounds to come off! And I want to be diligent and work-out, partially since I've experienced the benefits...so I miss it right now.

I long to invest deeply in friendships, but sometimes I find myself empty at the end of the day. I care so much for my friends, especially my community, but feel like I'm not loving them well and am focused too much on my junk right now, which just makes me feel guilty.

I have so many other things I'd like to do. I randomly decided I want to learn how to knit. Currently I'm only a crocheter. I know the knitting basics, but have not really made anything further than a basic scarf. I have books I want to read, both fiction and Scripturally-based, clothes to make (I even have the patterns and fabric!), there are places in Dallas I want to go, etc., etc.

All that to say, my life is suddenly quite busy and full. Realistically, it's all good things (though some are challenging, I'm trusting they're ultimately for good), but I'm struggling with balancing it all. Some things will have to give and then some things are necessary for mental, physical, and emotional sanity/stability.

I don't have any wild "ah ha!" thoughts. I suppose ultimately I'm working to balance everything, give myself grace, but also fighting to prioritize the things that are essential, including gym time, friend time, and the personal work stuff. Thankfully I know it's a season and won't last forever. And I know it's not a surprise to the Lord, so I'm trusting that all of this colliding at once is purposeful and will teach me more about him.

But this spontaneous-loving, schedule-hating girl is ready to return to a slower-paced life. :)

Sweet Babies

2011-09-22T08:29:00.000-05:00

My brother sent the above pictures to me yesterday of my dear niece, Morgan. And can I just say it gives me great joy that she has the Buckley family eyebrow raise down pat? She also has a Franks family dimple; it's just not showing in these pictures. And selfishly, I'm glad both of these mirror mine: left dimple and right eyebrow raise. :)

But she most definitely has my brother's black olive eyes. And the first picture is so reminiscent of his facial expressions. I'm excited to hug this little rolly polly girl in a few short weeks!

This morning I read a blog entry of a couple I've never met, yet feel a bit of a connection to them due to our mutual loves for a country in the ocean. My friend Kristie introduced me to the blog (thanks Kristie!) and I found today's entry so real, and yet so scary.

This couple lives in Haiti with their family and work for a ministry called Heartline Ministries, that sounds as though it has similar goals as MOH. The wife works as a midwife for the ministry and the entry I read this morning was powerful, so I thought I'd share.

I originally found myself jumping onto a soapbox in this post as my view of poverty alleviation has shifted so much from going to Haiti, hearing from MOH, and reading When Helping Hurts. But then I decided me going on a rant would not be helpful and I feared it would overshadow the truth of this particular blog entry.

So instead, I simply will say read it. And then join me in praising God for the successes and the lives that continue to be changed in Haiti. And pray that more will be changed, more will be educated, and more will glorify God as they learn how to care for themselves, their families, and change the nation of Haiti for God's glory.

A Little Joy

2011-09-13T12:03:00.000-05:00

I am very priviledged that I have many memories of five of my great grandparents.

One set of great grandparents, my Big Mema and Papa, lived a few miles from where I live now. Every trip to Dallas from wherever we happened to live always included a visit with them (and my great grandmother Mimi), even if we were staying at my grandparents' house in Ft. Worth. I have many fond memories playing in the "old timer" stuff in the garage of their Oak Cliff home. A home which I always remember being huge yet in reality, it's pretty darn tiny.

Even now, I sometimes catch a whiff of perfume that immediately makes me think of Big Mema and I always smile. Grandfather clocks make me think of their home. And any time I hear How Great Thou Art, I'm reminded that that's her favorite hymn (I'm not sure I'd remember that on my own, but my dad told me).

Given my fond memories of them, years ago I was honored to be given their dining room set. It wasn't necessarily my style, per say, but the memories and people tied to it made it special. I kept it for many years, until I was moving into an apartment that it would no longer fit. It took some time (I don't let go of sentimental things easily...), but I finally felt okay parting with the set, knowing it would go somewhere good.

This process of selling the furniture ended up being bad. I won't go into it, but suffice it to say, it tarnished all good memories of this furniture.

Well today while taking a quick break to eat lunch, I perused a few craft sites and stumbled upon something that brought a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. See here.

This looks EXACTLY like the hutch! And the blog's author lives in Austin, so could it be that Big Mema and Papa's hutch could have landed into the hands of a crafty person who would refurbish it to enjoy in her family?

I hope so. Or if it's not this exact piece, that some other family is enjoying it.

I Have No Great Title

2011-09-12T11:00:00.000-05:00

Last night was the first high school “church” (aka shoreline). It was my first one without my dear college freshman girls, and my first one meeting my new high school freshman girls. It was weird, to say the least.

I continue to be shocked by how much reminds me of my sweet college girls. A song (or lots of songs, really…we were a musical bunch), a story, a book, a bible verse, and so much more. Multiple times last night something would occur and I’d almost lean over, only to remember they weren’t there. While it seems like that would sadden me, it doesn’t really. Don’t get me wrong, I miss them terribly, but instead these moments bring me deep abiding joy as this group of girls have been written into my story of grace. I am privileged to disciple them and it is a privilege to know they are carrying the torch well. Every time these moments occur (and other times with the Lord), I smile and then pray for them. Pray for their hearts to remain entwined with the Lord’s, for the Holy Spirit to help them withstand temptation, for them to do mighty things for the Kingdom, and for anything else I may know they need prayer for.

And then meeting the new girls. I was quite nervous and, honestly, still am. I question if I have it in me to lead them, if I’m strong enough and I question how to balance and not compare. While it was a little chaotic last night and I couldn’t really tell you most of their names as it was super loud (which doesn’t bode well if you have a hearing loss…), I was invited to chat one-on-one with my new co-leader and one of the girls after shoreline. That, too, was a bit overwhelming, but also encouraging. This girl shared big things with me, a complete stranger! I again questioned this morning if I am equipped to lead them. And then interestingly today’s portion of a little study I’m doing was on the Holy Spirit and the Lord graciously reminded me that I was not equipped (nor am I now) to shepherd my college girls through the plethora of hugely challenging things that came up across our six years together. But he is.

So again, I was pushed to my knees (well, figuratively as I was sitting in my bed) and into his Word. I am worthless to shepherd and lead any these girls apart from the Holy Spirit’s power. My words are utterly meaningless unless they are seasoned with God’s words. I’m thankful for the complete dependence true discipleship reflects.

Healing also requires this type of dependence. I’m going through something else on my own that, if I’m completely honest, I so wish I could avoid. Or wish I could fast-forward and skip. It is probably the hardest thing I have ever chosen to take part in. Sure, I’ve had other hard things that have happened to me or a season I’ve fallen into, but this was something I chose to walk into.

This past week we were looking at lies and how we must identify them, combat with truth, and then continue to walk in that truth until our minds are renewed. I’m sure when you read this you may think that doesn’t sound so bad. Yet it is ridiculously hard. You see, many of these lies I’ve believed for 20+ years and many I’m sure I don’t even recognize. And then of those I do recognize, I don’t exactly know how to combat them with truth. How do you make yourself believe something you don’t? And how do you beat lies you can’t even see?

I decided to return to a place of biblical comfort. Yes, I’m a little all-over-the-place at times with my bible reading. And yes I read multiple different things every day, but whatever. Anyway, I decided to step back into one of my most favorite books ever. Exodus. The last time I spent considerable time in this was during CR a few years ago. After someone mentioned it last week, I felt like it was an ideal place to walk through as I literally try to walk from slavery into freedom. And already I’m seeing things I’d never noticed before.

Anyway, this is a little on the rambling side, and I don’t necessarily have deep profound thoughts to share (not like I ever do) but it’s where I am. Grateful, challenged, overwhelmed, and trying to step from bondage into freedom even though it is ridiculously hard.

Fifteen Minute Lunch Break

2011-09-01T12:05:00.000-05:00

I took a mini lunch break as I needed a moment to not think about TRPs, flowcharts, decks, and TV. I ran down to the deli in my office because I couldn't be bothered with packing a lunch at 6am. I don't eat at the deli very often and, when I do, typically just get a sandwich.

As the guy was making my sandwich, I couldn't help but wonder if I had something crazy on my face or if he thought my sandwich toppings were weird. Why? He kept laughing and chatting with someone else in Chinese. But not the kind of conversation where it's happening while you're ordering. He kept looking at me funny.

I think I'm getting paranoid...

Prior to speedily sharing this, I also read this on my mini lunch break. Short, sweet, and pretty awesome.

Can I saw how much I cannot WAIT for this weekend? One afternoon and a trip to San Antonio left before I can bask in my few-to-no plans over Labor Day weekend. Come on sweet rest!

Positive Self-Talk

2011-09-01T07:30:00.000-05:00

So, I've always been one of those who thought the notion of positive self-talk was goofy. I guess realistically, I didn't understand how many detrimental lies I tended to feed myself, but am discovering that now.

I'm in a group right now in which the study is big on self-talk. I mean, at the end of each lesson, one of the directives is to say a particular phrase outloud. To be honest, I haven't done it. I've read it in my head and moved on.

I got to work this morning extra early (i.e. the sun was barely waking up) and thought about this morning's positive self-talk from my lesson. Why is this so goofy feeling to me? They talk about it a lot in WW, too; everything from not beating yourself up if you gain or don't lose to converting your way of referring to foods as good and bad (which I've learned is a quite ridiculous trend of ours; it's not like food can do good or bad things in and of themselves!). I've gotten pretty good at it in the healthy living realm, so why can't I seem to carry this over in the rest of my world?

If I'm honest, I guess I've never believed there was much power in positive self-talk, yet I do believe in the flip side. I see where negative self-talk is extremely powerful. I've seen it in my girls and pushed them toward stripping that away. So, why is it hard to recognize in myself the tendency to speak ill of myself, to myself?

I have no "ah ha!" moments in this. It was purely meant as a few minutes' break from an early morning work day to get some random thoughts outside of my head. Maybe I'll try to give this positive self-talk thing a try. Perhaps it'll work.

And happy September! We've officially entered into my four most favorite months of the entire year, thought September is my least favorite of the four. But whatever! Happy months of ber!

Not to Harm You

2011-08-26T08:18:00.001-05:00

My precious ones are in the middle of sorority rush. Well, actually the end as bid day is today. It has been a little bit of a rollercoaster of a week, with unexplained cuts, confusion, and all that other joyous rush stuff (spoken sarcastically).

My rush experience was pretty darn awful after the first three days, yet it is also a time in which I can look back and SO clearly see the Lord's hand directing me where he wanted me. So I know that this experience for my dear girls is a time of refinement. I knew going in that feelings would be hurt, but trusted the Lord to place them exactly where he wanted them. Because of that knowledge, I have showered them with verses to hopefully remind them that their value lies not in which sorority they are in (or not in), or what happens with their friends, or dorm, or classes, or anything else. Their value is rooted solely in the fact that God sent his Son to live a perfect life, die an excrutiating death, conquer death, and raise us in the newness of life. "He chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight." Ephesians 1:4

At the same time, I know he may also allow hurt and shattered dreams, if it's what will best lead them to be more like Christ. It's the hurt I wish I could shield them from, but know it's necessary.

One of the verses that has come to mind as I've prayed for them is the ever-famous Jeremiah 29:11. As I meditated on it, though, I started to wrestle with the "not to harm you" line. As I really thought about it, I was confused as hurt and suffering for Christ is promised. And it's a necessary part of refinement and growth in Christ. So what does it mean?

It kept popping into my head yesterday over and over...almost to the point of annoyance! And then I realized, my definition of harm is not the same as the Lord's. To me, I want to feel comfortable. I want to have what I want. I also desire this for the others in my life who I love. But to God, THAT is harmful. Keeping me where I am, sitting in the depravity of sin does not give me a hope or a future (the last words of the verse). My flesh naturally desires temporal comfort whereas God is in the business of lasting joy and eternal security. And for that, the fleshly desires must be stripped away. My hands must be ripped from the earthly things and moved over to heavenly ones.

So it's true. The Lord knows the plans he has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us by keeping us where we are. But plans to give us a lasting hope and future through stripping away us and molding us to be more like Christ. It'll hurt for a little while, but it will create freedom on earth as those worldly bits are stripped away and eternal joy in heaven.

Thankful he doesn't harm me by keeping me where I am.

Proverbs

2011-08-23T12:28:00.000-05:00

For whatever reason, I've never been a big Proverbs reader. I suppose it's because of the way it's structured and it feels disjointed. I tend to gravitate to the story-like passages in Scripture, places the incite images and events in my mind. I think this is partially due to how I'm wired and my love of a story.

In any case, I know quite a few people who follow the Proverbs-a-Day practice. Since there are 31, they read one every day. Sad ole 31 only gets read on months with 31 days, and a few are lopped off in February, but nonetheless, they study most of them 12 times a year. I know many people who do this with their families, applying a portion of the day's proverb to each day as a family. I've thought about it before, but just never felt inclined to follow this. Again, it's the seeming list of dos and don'ts as opposed to the richness of story.

Well, in the past few weeks I've realized how frequently I rely on my own set of wisdom. Be it how I view things or even how I may interpret said story. Not that this is necessarily bad when viewed through the lens of God's word, but I could stand some wisdom. So, I decided to give this practice a try. So as to not overwhelm my mind with lots of God's word at a time (I tend to take a long time to chew through it, letting it mull and soak in my mind and heart), I decided I'd break-up the day's chapter. Read a few verses to chew on in the morning, and then check-out at various points throughout the day. We'll see how this works...I'm only on day one. :)

Today's Proverb has some mighty good nuggets in it. I thought I'd share a few from the first half:

1-2: When you sit to dine with a ruler, note well what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony. Can I get an OW! Considering I'm on the path of healthy living, this one was especially, um, wow. :)

10-11: Do not move an ancient boundary stone or encroach on the fields of the fatherless, for their Defender is strong; he will take up their case against you. Oh how I love reading about God's heart for the orphaned and the poor. He loves them so very much and has certainly built a heart for them in me.

17-18: Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the Lord. There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. I too often am envious of temporal things others receive, yet this solidifies my hope and reminds me I work for a treasure in heaven, not one on earth.

Funnily, I was watching the Duggars at the gym while ellipticalling it this morning since I didn't get my butt up in time for bodypump, and they were visiting the Biltmore house. One of the kids asked about why they needed a gigantic house and dad Duggar took the moment to share about storing up treasures in heaven as opposed to earthly treasures. While I think the family is a little odd, I do appreciate their vocalization of their faith and standing firm for Truth. Though I think it's also biblical to have fewer than 19 children... :)

Oh and in the show, they subtitled "y'all" incorrectly. And you can bet your bottom dollar I mentally corrected them. Yes, I have a problem. And TLC maybe needs some new editors...

Excited to see how the Proverbs shape my daily thinking. Already I'm questioning my previous avoidance of this 31 chaptered book!

Refinement

2011-08-22T08:23:00.000-05:00

We all have to do things we don't want to do. Things as simple as cleaning the house when we'd rather watch TV or something harder...whatever that may look like.

And then there are the things we know God is calling us to. Things we know will likely hurt, but that are required for righteousness. Things that we'd rather keep hidden away in a box on the inside, ignoring their contents, yet knowing that will weigh us down and keep us from freedom. These things scare me the most. I guess it's because surprising hard things just appear and don't give you time to contemplate, analyze, and consider. Where as deliberately choosing to walk into something you know will be hard produces questions and tempts you to wonder if God really will show up. Or if it's really what he's calling us to.

In these moments, my greatest comfort comes in knowing this is what Jesus did. He endured excrutiating pain to release grace, joy, love, etc. He did not need refining or punishment as he is perfect, yet he took it for us.

The goal of my life is to be transformed more and more into the image of Christ. To accomplish that goal, ugliness must be stripped away. Refinement is necessary. While I wish it didn't, this produces pain as part of me wants to cling to the ugliness as it's what I know.

Trusting is so difficult. Trusting that greater glory comes through suffering with Christ, is especially difficult, even when I've seen it happen in my life before. In those moments, I become like the Israelites and would rather stay in the comfort of slavery instead of walk through the desert to pursue freedom. Trusting each day that the Lord will bring manna, exactly the amount I need for each day.

I do want to become more and more like Christ. And I want my life to bring him glory, and to be used to impact his Kingdom and his people. For that, I will walk into the tumultuous times. I will take that first step into the desert, for I know in my head that God will use it to refine me for his good. And I choose to trust in my heart that he will use that refinement to draw me closer to himself. And I'll prayerfully ask that he'll use my story, my experiences, to bring others freedom through Christ.

I fell in love with the truth of this song while in Brazil. It has continued to stir my heart for Christ and I've listened to it about five times just this morning. :) (side note: sorry for the cheesy background; this version is better but it won't let me embed it)

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3

Joy

2011-08-17T08:04:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite things about having gone to Haiti is the ability to follow-up with the ministry happening there. I'm so grateful that Mission of Hope has a blog, Twitter, and Facebook, and that they update with prayer requests, needs, and talk about what is going on at Mission of Hope. I'm grateful to have tangible prayers, celebrations, and a touchpoint to a place that touched my heart so deeply. Due to the nature of our Brazil trip, that would be near impossible. I still think of and pray for Brazil often, as I know the Lord knows what is occuring there.

It's also great as my church is launching more and more trips to Haiti, so hopefully I'll hear first-hand updates from folks who are blessed to experience all that Mission of Hope is doing and the wonderfulness that is Haiti.

In the meantime, I was so excited about two recent updates from Mission of Hope! I mean, beyond excited. When we got home, I perused their site again and saw so many faces that I knew from our time there; especially of the sweet orphans living on their campus (the orphanage is called Vision of Hope). These kids have really hard stories as most of them would likely not be alive had it not been for MOH. Their lives are still so different from how I grew up. They do not leave MOH very frequently as it's not always safe for kids. They have a "mommy" but no father. And they have a string of people coming into and out of their lives through different teams that visit Haiti. I can't imagine, and yet they are being trained in Truth and educated to be the leaders of Haiti.

We learned when we were visiting MOH that they have various behavior monitoring and one of the rewards this summer, while they're not in school, is a trip to the beach. MOH posted this picture on a recent blog update, and I was beyond excited and filled with joy to see their elation and sheer excitement!

AND I know the sweet little boy at the front! The one with his number 1 finger up and tongue sticking out. His name is Widler (pronounced Widlay) and he helped with arts and crafts through our week. He is a quiet, but unbelievably sweet little seven year old boy. So fun to see him.

MOH also posted that their newest primary school is complete!! We helped paint this building in Bercy during one of our work projects. The village is right on the water and none of the kids have access to school unless they go to another village (which is very unlikely and expensive). It was sweet as one of our team members asked a kid where they went to school and they pointed to this building.

So excited to know that more kids will be educated. More future leaders of Haiti are being discipled in Truth.

Changes continue to grow in this small country. Continue to pray for the Haitians. For their hearts to turn toward Christ and for the Lord to bring glory to his name through their lives.

Praise God!

Wherein Sarah is Neurotic

2011-08-11T16:01:00.000-05:00

We all have a few neurotic tendencies in life. From having to do things a certain way, or being hyper organized, or eating foods in a specific number, or a host of other things.

I have lots of neurotic tendencies myself. But the one that is probably my worst is actually a secret to most people. And it's quite embarrassing.

I am a huge stickler for grammar and mentally correct people's grammar when they're speaking or if I'm reading something they wrote.

What? That's insane. Especially considering I make up words all the time and most certainly do not have perfect grammar. And yet, I do. The most bothersome faux pas for me are:

Misuse of "your" and "you're"
This one occurs so much and every time I see it, Ross' voice (yes Ross from Friends) comes into my mind when he's correcting Rachel:
Y-O-U-'-R-E spells you are. Y-O-U-R spells your!
Um, does this make me like Ross?!?!

Mispelling "y'all"
The apostrophe always takes the place of the letters that are dropped when creating a contraction. Y'all is a contraction for you all; therefore, the apostrophe goes where the o and u were. Erg, it frustrates me!

Incorrect use of adverbs...or really the lack thereof
This one is 100% due to my mom. Growing up if I did not use an adverb when I should have, she wouldn't let me finish my sentence until I corrected it. It was so annoying!! And yet I credit much of my grammar neuroses to her. And my decent grammar. Anyway, here's a lesson:
Incorrect: I am real hungry.
Correct: I am really hungry.

I mean, it'd bother you, too, if you grew up with your mom saying "leee!" constantly when you spoke incorrectly. :) Thanks, Mom.

So there you have it. I fully admit I'm a wee bit psycho. And feel free to mentally (or verbally!) correct my incorrect grammar. I probably won't mind since I'm used to my mom doing it. :)

Getting Closer...

2011-08-06T09:31:00.000-05:00

I'm 0.8 lbs away from my 10 lbs loss by my birthday!! I think I can do it... I'm also 18-23 lbs away from my ultimate goal! The reason for the range is I haven't fully decided which goal weight I'm going for. I figured I'd see how I feel when I get to the first and decide from there.

The remaining weight to lose is still a little daunting as it took several months to get that off initially, but I think it may be attainable by the end of the year.

We'll see. Pretty excited!

Why Haiti

2011-08-03T07:48:00.000-05:00

Note: these pictures were taken by one of our unbelievably talented students who served with us in Haiti. I especially love the sweet girl giving thumbs up. :)

Since returning home and before I left, I have received accolades for going to Haiti and been asked on multiple occasions if I feel fulfilled from doing something good. While I understand these responses/questions, they also make me a little uncomfortable. The reason is simply that I do not deserve accolades as I went merely out of obedience. And I am not fulfilled from going as my fulfillment comes from someone else, someone greater. I simply went to Haiti because I am loved by a magnificent God and want others to know they are loved, too.

While I most certainly make mistakes, act selfishly, and sin too frequently, my sole purpose and goal in life is to glorify Christ. This purpose manifests itself in various ways, be it sitting quietly before the Lord or enjoying dinner with friends or discipling my girls or choosing to dress a certain way or avoiding/doing certain things or work with diligence or playing with orphans in Haiti. These choices aren’t punishments or attempts toward prudishness for the sake of boasting, they are choices made because God loves me and has something greater than earthly treasures or experiences in store for me because of Jesus.

God’s word says “but God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8. This seemingly simple phrase molds and shapes my being as it proves I have a perfect, loving God. For I know the depths of my depravity and I know how useless I am apart from his love. This love compels me to act. It compels me to serve. It compels me to love others, all the way down to the least of these. I love because he first loved me. And I pray that he will give me the strength, boldness, and ability to love as he loves, so others may come to know the saving grace of Christ.

God’s word also says, “If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the Lord your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother. Rather be openhanded and freely lend him whatever he needs.” Deuteronomy 15:7-8. Over the past two years, my understanding of how God loves the poor has shifted significantly. My eyes have been opened to the prevalence with which he speaks of this in his word, and his commandments to us, the rich. But even here, my heart for the poor is still based solely in the truth of Romans 5:8, that the poor are sinners just as the rich are. And because Christ loves them, I love them. And I prayerfully long for their eyes, as well as fellow eyes of the rich, to be opened to salvation as mine have.

At times throughout the trip, my American self wanted to see big changes happen or I wanted the Haitians’ lives to shift to look American. Quite silly since I was only there a week and silly since we most certainly do not have it all and are unbelievably broken people bent on the love of self and material items. Yet the Lord gently reminded me of his timing and something he said about the Israelites and the promises he made to them in Hebrews 11:39-40: “These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.”

No, I didn’t see a huge change directly from our work. And, by the help of God’s word and an amazing book on poverty alleviation that I’m working through, When Helping Hurts, I strive to not measure “success” through my American lens. I know that the Lord is faithful and he will use the collection of all of his people who serve to continue to impact his Kingdom, both in Haiti and the rest of the world, for his glory. And this truth encourages me here at home, too, when I long for quick action: to walk a little more slowly, increase in patience, and trust the Lord’s perfect timing. For he will never fail or mess up.

So you see, my only reason for going to Haiti was to bring glory to the Father. I believe our team did. I believe that we honored him as we served each other, served the other teams at MOH, and served the Haitians. And I believe we will continue to bring him glory as we share what we saw and learned back at home, and walk with hearts more in love with him.

Haiti has many, many problems that riddle the country and its people. My heart grieves for the mountainous amount of change that is needed, yet it first and foremost cries out for the salvation of the Haitians for only then will true, lasting change be possible. I’ve been broken-hearted for the news of the impending storm, but the Lord is faithful as I was reminded from reading Jean-Julien’s comment in this article. Pray for Haiti. Pray for salvation and restoration. Pray for change to be built from the inside out. I hope I can someday return to the beautiful country filled with beautiful people. And I pray the Lord will continue to provide opportunities to meet more of his people in America and throughout the world, and use me to show his love.

It is an honor to be a part of Kingdom work. That God would choose to use me, a sinful, fearful, selfish, foolish person to shine his Light is beyond imaginable.

“He must become greater; I must become less.” John 3:30

Merci Seigneur

2011-08-01T06:46:00.000-05:00

I am home from Haiti, and am officially in love with the country, but especially the beautiful dark faces of it's people. I miss them terribly already.

I really can't believe how quickly it went and yet how strange my normal life feels after a week in a third world country. I have a lot to process, and know it will take me time to sift through everything swimming in my heart and mind. And I pray that it won't stop there; I pray that this trip and the things the Lord has shown and will show me will be folded into the fabric of who he is creating me to be. I still think of Brazil often, and pray Haiti stays as well. In the meantime, I thought I'd go ahead and get my processing started. I'm allowing my stream of conciousness to flow out of me, so this may seem disjointed. But I'm going with it.

The title of this blog means "thank you God." It was a phrase heard often on the Mission of Hope campus and among Haitians throughout the week. And it is certainly the theme of the week. (Side note: I encourage you to look on Mission of Hope's site to learn more about what they do; they certainly explain better than I can. And maybe watch some of the videos in Orphan Care and Education...we met the featured kids and many of the others in the video! So fun)

I spent most of my time with Haitian kids, which was an enormous blessing and yet so challenging. Never before have I seen the level of poverty and hunger as I saw in Haiti. Yet never before have I seen joy amidst those types of circumstances. Mission of Hope is solely focused on bringing life transformation in Haiti through the power of Jesus Christ. Read their vision here. Not the same as hearing it live as we did, but I hope it still gives you a picture of their purpose and goal.

Our students were rockstars this week. They didn't complain or avoid kids even if they were naked (quite common) or dirty or sick, and they served with their whole hearts, in spite of what may have been asked of them or how menial the task. They challenged and encouraged me with their faithfulness to serving the Lord! It is a blessing to be a part of this ministry.

For me, I was never tempted to complain about the conditions. Regardless of how hot, smelly, weird, or hard. Don't get me wrong, I sadly complain in America too frequently, but when you're surrounded by such poverty, a little sweat seems very meaningless. And for some reason it seems easier to face the challenges as I knew they were opportunities to learn about God's people and his character. This is something I'm working on carrying over into my normal life here at home as I believe this mentality should not be exclusive to international service! I think it's much harder to serve without complaining at home, though, so this will be a daily act of dying to myself.

Another thing I'm working on is fully rooting my identity in Christ. For most of my life, I have felt unvaluable and easily forgotten. I'm not really sure where this stems from, except that perhaps it's just folded into me. Anyway, one of my dear friends was also a leader on this trip and she has a contagiously fun personality. I was tempted on many occasions to believe that, because students were drawn to her (who wouldn't be, she's fun!), it meant I was irrelevant and unimportant. There were other circumstances that further excentuated this, such as my group was staying in a place apart from the rest of the team which made bonding more challenging, and feeling separated from other leaders.

One day while serving in a village (in my next post I'll explain more about what we did each day :)), I was surveying the ramshackle living conditions of it's inhabitants. Many of it's children went without shoes and clothes, the "streets" were muddy, there was a stench from the outhouses and the skin-and-bones livestock, and many adults had a slightly pained look on their faces as they worked. As I looked around, I thought about how the poor are often blamed for their situation and how many people think they are unvaluable. Yet they did not choose to be born Haitian, poor, and hungry no more than I chose to be born a middle class American. God placed them there as he placed me here. And God does not mess up.

I am no better than the poorest of the poor in this world. And I am no worse. We are all broken in spirit through sin. We are all God's children who he gave his Son to restore that broken relationship, if we would only accept the gift of grace and follow after him. I thought, these Haitians are valuable because God says they are. And again, he doesn't mess up. And I love them because he first loved them.

A few days later as I battled my own feelings of being invaluable, the Lord sweetly and gently laid a question on my heart: how could I so easily see the value and importance of these Haitians and yet refuse to see or accept it in myself?

This is a question I will likely wrestle with for a while, and thought at church yesterday I may seek-out a specific female-focused study on identity to really dig into this truth intentionally. I want to believe I am valuable in Christ. Not to be prideful, but to grow closer to him and be more free to love and serve others in Christ.

Merci Seigneur for the truths you are teaching me now and the ones to come. Merci for allowing me to meet your people, to serve and love them. I pray I will be able to see them again on this earth. Merci Seigneur.

Next up, well, maybe what we did each day. Unless the wind blows me in another direction. :) Thank you for your prayers and support. I pray my updates and learnings draw you closer to Christ.

Hobbly Grandma

2011-07-11T17:44:00.001-05:00

On Saturday, my roommate, Katie, decided to join me for my "alternative to long runs" Saturday fun. I.e. power yoga plus zumba. It was so fun to have a workout buddy! And I think she likes them both. :)

My yoga instructor hurt her shoulder so she decided to focus primarily on legs. And, um, I can feel it. Since Saturday, I've been hobbling around like a granny because my hamstrings and gluts are so stinkin' sore! I think the combination of yoga plus an intense zumba workout of LOTS of jump moves made for some sore legs. Good sore, but sore nonetheless.

I was almost tempted to sit on my cube floor today to stretch out, but then thought that'd be a little extreme and the floor would likely stain my white pants. I'm sure my podmates would have found it amusing, though!

I've been thinking about the majority of poses we cycled between, and can't figure out which one put us over the edge with soreness. Maybe this one?

Or this?

Or perhaps this?
Confession: my standing splits look NOTHING like this. I look more like a dying animal or something...

Or maybe the zillion lunges we did both high and low?

Or holding chair pose for, gosh, 30 minutes?

And here I go, heading to zumba again. Hopeful it can loosen up my tight hamstrings!

In other news, two weeks from today I'll be in my second day in Haiti! I feel like I have a hundred things to do before going, but I am getting excited! I need to go through my things and make lists this week to determine what else I need to pick-up this weekend. I also need to figure out a ride home from the airport. Maybe I'll hitch-hike. :)

Off to party it up at zumba!

M&M

2011-07-06T21:31:00.000-05:00

My brother, Heather, and the girls are moving to California. I'll definitely miss being able to see them somewhat frequently, but am excited for their new venture. For one, my brother got a great promotion. And two, they'll be living about an hour or so from where I spent my childhood. This will be the first time I'll ever re-visit a previous, non-Texas home! I haven't been to California since we left when I was 12, but am excited to see our family's favorite sites from the west coast.

Adam has been telling McKenzie about some of our favorite places, including aspects of Yosemite, San Francisco, and Monterey. The two things she's most excited about? Waterfalls and China town. So random! But, not surprisingly, McKenzie called me the other day to let me know that Mommy and Daddy were going to let her decorate her new room in a PARIS theme! Oh la la! Tres bien.

Maybe very soon I'll be strolling down old stomping grounds and making new ones in Napa (since I never went there as a kid...parents left us with our grandmother). And maybe their next move will be to my favorite part of the country - the east coast! :) In the meantime, excited for them. McKenzie's just a little older than I was when we moved to California.

Speaking of, below are two new pictures of my cutie nieces! Kenz looks so grown-up! And I'm quite jealous of her awesome tan...

And Morgan finally decided to smile for the camera!!!!!!!!! Yay!! Love her smiley face and sweet dimple.

A tout a l'heure mes amis.

30 Before 30

2011-06-30T11:54:00.000-05:00

So, I’m quite behind the eight-ball on this, but whatever. :)

I turn 30 in 41 days. Ca-razy! I’m really looking forward to being 30, flirty, and thriving and haven’t had any qualms about moving into a new decade…even as a single person. I’m not sure why, I guess I’m over being in my 20s. Ha.

Anyway, I know lots of people do the 30 before 30 list and I figured I’d just cram it all into 41 days. I considered making it in 30, but figured I’d take advantage of the extra 11. Also, some of these things were pre-scheduled, but since they’re big, they’re so going on the list! Here it goes:

1. Go to Haiti
2. Speak French to people who speak French natively and aren’t my professors…wahoo!!
3. Finish Cutting for Stone. It’s an intense book and definitely requires lots of thinking!
4. Try my hand at cooking scallops even though it scares me a bit
5. Grill meat…on my own!
6. Practice yoga every day for at least a week in addition to other workouts, and practice at home when I can’t go to or there isn’t a class
7. Lose another 10lbs, getting closer to my goal. Maybe not fair as I can’t fully control this if my body decides to plateau, but I’m going to try!
8. Finish Matthew (yes, I’ve been reading it since January…uber slowly) and finish Mark
9. Memorize Romans 6
10. Go through my closet and purge all clothes that are too big…yay!
11. Write more letters…because letters are so magical
12. Try one new fruit (this will be hard as I feel like I’ve had most fruits…gonna get creative at Whole Foods!)
13. Try one new vegetable…maybe bok choy?
14. Try one of those scary grains like bulgar or quinoa. Not sure if they’re grains, but I’m gonna figure out how they’re cooked and try one out
15. Get ready to send my dear girls off to college
16. Do something that scares me…unless it involves fish because they’re just nasty
17. Come back from Haiti with a bigger heart for God, his people, and sweet orphans…but not bringing an orphan home to live with me though I know I’ll want to!
18. Introduce my mom to zumba!
19. Walk the golf course with my dad and maybe learn how to properly swing a club…maybe
20. Learn how to change tires on my bike all by myself (I sound like a two year old)
21. See the very last Harry Potter movie…tear
22. Try a new restaurant
23. Stop drinking diet pepsi (the only soda I drink)…again
24. Go to an art museum even if it’s by myself…either the DMA or the Kimbell (though I’ve never been to the DMA)
25. Go to the Dallas farmer’s market
26. Clean out my plethora of books
27. Watch the entire Band of Brothers series
28. Go to the Park Cities pool in spite of my fear of looking bad in a swim suit with the pretty people…ha
29. Keep my iPhone from dying…it’s getting close
30. Turn 30! Maybe that’s cheating, but it’s an accomplishment in my book

Sweatin' & SBux

2011-06-27T08:26:00.000-05:00

How do these two things relate? Well, let me tell you...

I've decided I think I'm officially addicted to sweating. No, not the stand-outside-and-immediately-feel-drenched sweat, but the that-was-a-darn-good-workout sweat. WHAT?!

For those who may not know, this is WEIRD and if you had asked me a year ago, or sheesh, even six months ago!, if these words would come out of my mouth, I'd say you were delirious. And maybe ask what you were smoking (because for whatever reason that phrase crosses my lips a little too often...?).

Anyway, you see, I danced for nine years and don't think I broke a sweat much then. Sure, I played soccer some as a kid, but I think I quit when I was 9 or 10, so never got intense. Then I started swimming competitively and, while I know you do sweat in swimming, you don't feel it. When I stopped swimming, I hated going to the gym and getting all gross. It was certainly not a good feeling.

Well, after looking down at my yoga mat on Saturday morning realizing quite a bit of sweat had dripped off of me (yes gross...get over it :) and no I don't do hot yoga), and then finding my hair completely soaked after my subsequent zumba class (did you catch that? I did both classes again this week, yay!), I was excited. Weird, eh? Really it had nothing to do with loving to sweat, it was more loving the workout and pushing myself. And I can't believe I'm saying that!

Side note 1: I promise my ridiculous workout excitement in posts will subside eventually...well, maybe.

Side note 2: Holy cow can yoga make you sore in the weirdest places! But a good, deep sore. I'm definitely addicted to yoga! And thanks, Heather, for the tips with downward facing dog...my wrists haven't hurt since!! Now I just need to work on this sweating business so I don't fall on my face in poses like warrior 3...eek!

Now onto Starbucks.

I don't go to Starbucks super frequently anymore, and only every few weeks in the non-fall/Christmas season. But on occasion I'm either running late or feel the need for a second cup of coffee so swing into one by my office.

Last fall I was at the creamer station with this super cute guy. We talked for maybe two seconds about creamer (stimulating) and that was that. Since then, he's been in the Starbucks reading any time I've popped in and always smiles.

I always wonder how he has time to sit there all day, but then am thankful for the little smile from the cute guy. Though realistically he smiles at everyone, so I'm not extra special or anything.

Anyway, my roommate told me recently that I seem more confident with my steps toward healthy living. I'm not sure if I feel any more confident, but perhaps I'm exuding something? Or maybe just a sweaty glow...hahaha.

Katie is out-of-town and this morning I was a bad planner with packing my lunch and making breakfast so I completely forgot to turn on the coffee. I decided I'd just get coffee at Starbucks (in case you're super curious, I'm boring and just get the drip coffee when it's not fall or Christmas).

Cute guy wasn't there, but there was another ridiculously cute guy...probably cuter than other guy! He was sitting working on his computer and when I walked by, did the double take and smiled.

Now, I fully realize it's mostly because I was probably staring (he sort of looks Latin...) or he perhaps thought he saw someone he recognized. But, since I'll never know, today I like to pretend that I do seem more confident and what-have-you.

Feel free to now make fun of me. I'm cool with it. :)

And in other news, I made all new recipes for breakfast/lunch/dinner this week. Maybe a bad decision, but I'm sure it'll be fine. This morning's breakfast was overnight oats and banana muffins.

With the muffins, next time I'm going to use really ripe bananas as the one I used was a little green and therefore made the muffins a tad dry. Not sure what I was thinking as my Mema always used yellowy brown bananas for bread! Oh well.

Petite Moi

2011-06-21T16:26:00.000-05:00

My soon-to-be-six (how'd that happen?!?!?), niece McKenzie wants to be like me. Yes, she's wearing a scarf in 100+ temperatures...to be like Aunt Sarah. :)

Oh how I love this little cutie! Can't wait to go to France, see the Eiffel Tower, and take in the magicalness of Parisian life with her...all while wearing scarves of course.

J'adore ma petite moi.

Un Peu de Celebration

2011-06-20T08:28:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited to have had three little celebrations this weekend! All along the same vein.

First, Saturday morning I went to weight watchers and, after a few weeks of plateau (but no gain) lost in a big way. Then, I successfully completed two hours of intense workouts, power yoga and zumba. I have wanted to try doing those classes back-to-back for a while, but was worried that I'd be too tired after power yoga for zumba. And we all know how I feel about zumba! Particularly Saturday's class...my favorite. I think in the end it's good that zumba was second as the hour of yoga made my muscles warm and more flexible, so I actually feel like zumba was a better workout than normal. My bootay is a little sore, but a good sore!

Then yesterday on a whim I ran into Gap. They're having a massive sale (all sale items 50% off) and I've been trying to slowly build-up my workout attire as I've discovered t-shirts are so not fun to workout in. Cotton + sweat = ew. Anyway, most of my pants don't fit very well anymore. I still wear them, but they're baggy. In cleaning my room, I had tried on a bunch of clothes I've kept from college/right after college and knew that I have dropped a size in some things, depending on the shape (i.e. not quite down in pencil skirt styles yet).

I looked and there were a pair of jeans on sale for $10 in a lower size. I had a little debate in my head, fearful that I'd be sad if they were too tight yet recognizing that would be a likely possibility. My curious side won-out and I added them to my few workout tops.

Once in the dressing room, I decided to bite the bullet and start with the jeans. And what to my wondering eyes did I find? THEY FIT!!!

Yes people, I have officially dropped two jeans sizes since starting weight watchers in January. I can hardly believe it. I was definitely excited and had to call my mom.

I still have a ways to go, but I legitimately am excited to workout and eat well now. I don't crave foods that are not good choices for me and crave gym-time! I still can't believe I'm saying that... I'm likely not going to make my goal weight by my birthday like I'd hoped, but that's okay. I'd rather change slowly and experience the benefit of the joy that comes from hard work as opposed to shedding weight quickly and not learning from the plateaus, hard days, etc.

So thankful for the Lord's help in making me more disciplined; something I am not naturally. And thankful for what he's teaching me about food and moving my body through this experience. Prayerful that he uses this experience to continue to draw me closer to him and shine his light for others to know him. I believe he can and will use all things for his glory.

Let the Lord be glorified, that we may see your joy. Isaiah 66:5

Creative Skirt

2011-06-17T08:36:00.000-05:00

So this isn't really about a creative skirt, but I liked the weird title better than a normal one. This is really about a skirt and bring creative.

Skirt
Today I'm wearing a skirt that I have not fit into since, oh, maybe the year after college? I've kept it all these years as I liked it and hoped to one day sport it's paisley design again. On a whim this morning, I decided to try it on and what to my wondering surprise, but it fit! Holy cow.

I have one other skirt and two dresses that I've also kept and someday hope they'll fit. Both are more fitted so have a little more to go there. And, regardless, I have quite a ways left to get to my goal. I've become more comfortable with the process moving slowly, though. I've had several weeks without loss, but I have not gained at all since I started in January!! That's a major feat.

Tomorrow I'm considering trying to go to TWO classes at the gym in the morning. I've toyed with the idea for about a month, but am scared my body will break. But I suppose that's goofy as, if I do hurt, I can easily stop. So, I'm going to attempt to go to power yoga and zumba...back-to-back. We'll see how it goes!

Creativity
I saw this today and found parts of it challenging.

29 WAYS TO STAY CREATIVE from TO-FU on Vimeo.

Why? Well, probably the beating myself up...

Incidentally, I told my mom just a few weeks ago that I was going to stop sharing things I've created with others and instead give store-bought gifts. I know this may sound strange, but I have started to wonder if people find handmade things annoying and if anyone uses them. I know the things I've made are never perfect, so just feel like people would probably rather have something perfect.

For whatever reason, I'm not always brave when it comes to sharing creative aspects of myself. I've gotten significantly better in the past few years, but still have a wall where this is concerned. I'm not exactly sure why. I don't know, another consideration for another day.

Not sure yet. Still working through this one. Regardless, this video was good.

Have a ya ha and hey hey Friday!

The Box

2011-06-14T11:13:00.000-05:00

There once was a little girl who may have seemed like an everyday, normal girl, but in reality, she carried an invisible box full of secrets. Growing tired of carrying around the heavy box, one day the girl attempted to open the box, yet she was ridiculed for the few secrets that escaped so she instead locked the box up tighter and chained it to her neck for safe keeping.

Several years later, the little girl met a man who was greater than any man she had ever met. He was brave, good, and she couldn’t help but peel her eyes from him, even though he was not what others would call beautiful. This man invited the girl to walk with him and promised to hold her hand so she wouldn’t fall. Knowing he was different than any other man, she agreed and reached for his hand, noticing that it was scarred with what looked to be a hole through the middle.

As the girl walked with the man, she found that things were often harder than they were before. She couldn’t figure out why as she knew this man was so good. She asked him to help her understand and, instead of explaining, he merely pulled her along faster. She soon found that she could barely keep up and became very frustrated, “why won’t he help me?” she questioned.

Then one day, the man brought her to another woman. The girl was hurt and confused, and very tired of running. She was ready to give-up following the man as she felt it was too hard. But then something happened, this woman pulled out a box. The box was large, square, and had obviously been beat-up. At closer look, the girl realized the lock on the box had been broken. The woman opened the box and out flowed a plethora of secrets. The secrets were a deep black and swirled around the room, finally settling into a wall between the woman and the man. The girl watched in astonishment, wondering if the woman would fight to stuff them back into the box.

But another amazing thing happened. The woman began to explain her secrets and, as she did, the man swirled his scarred hand around the black wall, transforming it into swirls of bright colors. Blue, purple, red, yellow, pink, and any other color under the rainbow. The girl’s eyes were fixed to the changing wall and quickly realized the swirls formed a painting of an open window looking out a hill with a single cross on it. She turned to the man and he simply smiled.

Then she understood. The man had set this woman free from her box of secrets. But he had not done so by taking the heavy box from the chain around her neck, he had done so by holding her hand as she broke the lock, opened the lid, and released the secrets. Once she trusted him, he took the darkness of these secrets and made them beautiful.

After that day, the girl felt a mix of excitement and fear. She was tired of running with the heavy box, but was scared of the ridicule that could come should she share her secrets. She did not know what to do, so she simply grabbed the man’s hand and walked along with him.

Many days later, the girl was talking with many other girls and, like the woman, one of these girls opened up her box. Once again, the man swirled his hand through the dark ugliness and changed it to beauty. The girl was scared and felt tears brimming behind her eyes. She looked up at the man and he nodded. She then removed the box from the chain on her neck and began to fiddle with the lock. The man reached over and helped as she broke the lock, opened the box, and released the secrets. Her heart pounded inside of her chest as she explained each swirling black mess. The blackness began to envelope her to where she could no longer see the man.

Then, as the last secret was released, they began to shift. She saw the scarred hand of the man waving among the black. As he waved, the secrets changed from black to red and swept into the holes in his hands and feet. For a moment the man looked as though he was in pain, but then the pained look transformed to a deep smile. As he smiled, the secrets poured out of him shining white as snow. Once they were all out, he swirled his hands to create the beautiful window painting she had seen with the woman.

Immediately the girl understood. This man had long ago taken her secrets and bore the punishment and ridicule for her. She had been walking with him for a while, but did not understand until that day that she could not be free from the weight of those secrets until they were released. She alone carried the ability to pass the box to the man.

From that day on, the girl tried very hard to keep the box open. Secrets would come, threatening to re-lock the box, but each time she would look at the man and he would smile. The smile reminded her that the box would make her tired, not free. As the girl became more and more brave, she began sharing her secrets with many people for she longed to be like the woman who first shared with her. She longed for the man to use her to free others from their boxes so they could run with him.

The girl also had little girls who followed and looked up to her. She loved these little girls so very much and wanted all of them to walk with the man. One day she knew it was time to open her box of secrets for them. She was scared but, once again, the man smiled and showed her it was okay. As she opened the box, she once again saw the blackness emerge and the man change it to the beautiful window masterpiece of his creation.

Years after this day, one of the little girls told the girl that she, too, had a box of secrets and was tired of running after the man with the box weighing her down. She, too, was ready to open the box and be freed from its weight. The girl wept with joy and thanked the man for his goodness. He smiled and reached out, displaying his scarred hands.

The man was indeed better than any other man the girl had or would ever meet. And even though he took her through hard and scary times, he never let go of her hand.

Sad - and not in the boo hoo way

2011-06-07T08:16:00.000-05:00

"Sad" thing 1

I have shin splints. STINK! I thought I escaped their horridity when I embraced my hatred of running. But oh no, apparently they're a common injury for dancers.

No, I'm not a dancer, but I have added zumba to my repretoire of workouts. My instructor has said a few times the importance of having correct shoes, but I figured I could slide by in my cross trainers. I mean, they're for cross training, right? Apparently not. Stepping-up my zumba intensity has in turn created painful-to-the-touch shins.

My feet have hurt a few times after class so I had contemplated getting dance shoes (not the oh-so-intense Danskin ones, but some Nikes that my instructor recommends). After feeling pain intensify after class last night, I finally broke down. I love zumba too much to let some little ole shoes get in the way. I mean, I can't remember the last time I actually looked forward to working out like I do for that class!

In the meantime, I'll have to stay away from zumba until my shins are better. Thankfully I already couldn't go to this Saturday or Monday class. I'll just have to keep practicing on the yoga and spin front. Probably would help with zumba anyway!

If anyone has any tips to heal shin splints, let me know! It's been such a long time that I really don't remember...

"Sad" thing 2
I'm hooked to a book I've already read...TWICE!

Memorial Day I was itching for an instantly engaging book so, why not pick one up that I already know has that potential? No brainer, eh?

So now I've found myself hooked to the wizarding world of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. And yes, I've unintentionally stayed up until midnight the past two nights reading. A book that I already know how it ends. Wow. That's sort of sad...

Oh how I love Harry, Hogwarts, and it's marvelous ability to suck me into the magicalness. Still a little sad the whole shebang will soon be over come July. :(

So that's it. Shin splints and ridiculous addiction. Hmm...

PS my mom told me that I could be a zumba spokesperson. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing...

Morgan Says Hi

2011-06-03T14:36:00.000-05:00

My brother posted these videos this morning and I maybe have watched them four times...

And then we can't leave Kenz out! This is from her dance recital that I saw live. Too cute.

So You Think You Can Dance

2011-05-30T13:20:00.001-05:00

As someone who danced for nine years, and has loved dance since I quit to swim competitively, I'm not quite sure how I've never seen so you think you can dance prior to this season. I blame it on the fact that I really don't watch a lot of TV and rarely add new shows to the ones I do watch. But after the first episode of just tryouts, I'm hooked!

And maybe between zumba, yoga, and this show, my childhood dream of being a dancer has returned. :) Well, it never really went away. I still think it'd be awesome to be on broadway, though it'll never happen! Which is so okay; I'm enjoying zumba and appreciating others' talents.

Speaking of dance, I got this new at-home workout yesterday called Barre 3. It's inspired by ballet barre work, pilaltes, and yoga. And man alive did it kick my tail! It will be a nice addition to zumba, yoga, and spin. Hopefully...

In the meantime, looking forward to appreciating dance talents with so you think you can dance!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Reason #452...

2011-05-27T16:00:00.000-05:00

...why God placed these littles in my small group. We went to our age-old small group dinner place (aka CPK. They loved it as middle schoolers and now it's just tradition) and spent almost the whole time talking about books. It started with Harry Potter as Emily is fast and furiously trying to finish the series for the first time. And then shifted to classic literature...Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice, Little Women, Tale of Two Cities, Great Expectations, and Hamlet. Be still my heart!

One of mine graduated last night, two tonight, and the last one next Saturday. I'm so gonna miss these girls next year...

Sweet Reminder

2011-05-26T15:31:00.000-05:00

Kenz loves field day!

Today the Lord has been so good to remind me that he cares about every detail of my life. It's not always easy and his plans typically do not immediately resolve discomfort, yet they are far better than mine. Today he has worked out some issues that were overwhelming me and set some goals in my heart for the future. No, the goals may never pan out or they may look different than I imagine, but I trust that however he unfolds the path of my life, it will be what allows me to best glorify him.

My sister in-law just uploaded new pictures of my nieces and, while looking through them, couldn't help but think about this Truth in light of when the Lord decided to bring each of them into this world. Such precious gifts of life.

This is a very McKenzie face

I like to pretend that Morgan is singing :)

Sweet sisters.

10 Things

2011-05-23T08:50:00.000-05:00

1. We had our very last shoreline with our small group last night. Surprisingly, I wasn't emotional nor have I been about much of the semester ending. I think it's partially because I know we have Haiti. (Side note: that is a line from Casablanca, well sort of. Except they say we'll always have Paris).

2. Saw Something Borrowed this past weekend. It was cute. Not anything I'd want to own, but entertaining.

3. I went to Zumba on Saturday, my favorite of the classes I can attend, for the first time in a while. Two student ministry girls were in the class, too, and they definitely made it amusing! :)

4. I felt weird off-and-on all weekend. I blame stress...

5. Friday night we went to Neighborhood Services for dinner. And decided guys must have an unwritten long-sleeved, button-down, plaid shirt dress code. Every guy there sported one. With jeans.

6. I made some decisions about some things. Of course said decisions were made at the worst possible time. *sigh*

7. This week is going to be insane...but what's new, eh?

8. This Friday I will watch my cousin and six of our girls graduate from high school. How are they old enough to go to college? My cousin is going to UT. And yes, his graduation present consists of an obnoxious amount of orange.

9. I'll also have a lot of family time this weekend. Hoping there's no drama. Maybe we can all sit together and sing kumba ya. Okay, picturing that is seriously giving me a giant laugh...

10. In praying this morning, I feel like I had more questions than answers (and told God that). Striving to seek God more than answers.

Bonus. I'm so ready to get to Haiti. I get more and more excited daily, especially thinking about the sweet kiddos we will be serving and loving on, and the precious time with my girls.

Way That Seems Right to Man

2011-05-19T22:27:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was reminded what a blessing community is.

One of the biggest things I have learned these last four or so years is that my thoughts can very easily be swayed from truth. For years I responded to people passive aggressively or by negative self-thought purely because I didn't understand this. I was convinced too easily that people didn't like me or that I was annoying or some other thought. While these thoughts do still sprout up, with the help of my community, I am better able to sift through truth and lies.

Tonight at community group we had some hard conversations. Personally, I have battled thoughts that perhaps I wasn't encouraging them anymore and should quit the group. I was near convinced that I was annoying, too complainy, and just plain obnoxious and thereby hurting their growth in the Lord. I thought these things, yet I remained silent, returning to my old behaviors of stuffing feelings.

Then, for whatever reason, I shared what I was thinking. And by sharing, even when it was extremely difficult, I allowed the girls the opportunity to share truth and challenge my thinking. We were able to discuss how to best love each other and broke down walls of protection or misunderstanding that had errected in some hearts.

As I drove home, the verse from Proverbs 14 came to mind:
There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end if leads to death.

Stuffing emotions and remaining silent about feelings seems right to me. Yet the Lord has shown me it breaks unity and creates more hurt than help. He has shown me this truth through the help of my precious community.

I'm eternally grateful for these women, their commitment to the Lord, and their commitment to our group growing more closely to him. Yet another great blessing that came from serving in student ministries.

My cup overflows.

French Latin

2011-05-19T12:36:00.000-05:00

No, this isn't a new form of pig Latin. It's what I secretly wish I was!

Obviously it's no secret to anyone who's known me for longer than, oh, maybe 20 minutes, that I have a deep love and affection for anything French. But, less obvious, is my love of Latin culture! No, I don't mean the dead language, I mean Latin America. Ole!

This love is more confusing to explain as I generally don't love the Spanish language. As our Brazilian friends said, Spanish speakers always sound a tidge on the angry side! Plus, it's just not as pretty as francais, which has a whole "grammar" lesson purely associated to making it sound pretty...liason.

What I love about Latin culture is the food, music, dance, and laid-back attitude with life.

I decided a few weeks ago during Zumba class (Latin-infused dance workout...SO fun) that I wish I was half Latin and half French. Then I'd be tan, know how to dance, speak French, and eat awesome food in my laid-back life!

Sadly I'm just a boring ole American that can't dance, isn't naturally tan, wishes I could speak French, and eats awesome food while wishing my life was more laid-back. Boo.

Maybe, just maybe, a half French, half Latin boy will someday sweep me off my feet... I'd maybe even be okay if he was a Sooner if he had those things! Well, maybe... :)

Till then: A bientot mes amis! Ole!

Rooftops of Tehran

2011-05-19T08:42:00.000-05:00

I finished this book a few days ago and definitely recommend it. It takes place in Iran in the 70s, prior to the Iranian Revolution and chronicles the life of a teenage Iranian boy, and his complicated love for the girl next door.

This is not the first book I've read that takes place in that neck of the woods (I've actually read many!), but it happened to be timely given the recent news from the Middle East. I love reading books that take place in oppressive nations or time periods. I know that may sound strange, but the stories help to humanize the atrocities and build into me a greater worldly prayer life. I believe that the oppression of people is due to people in authority believing lies and worshiping created things as opposed to the Creator. Reading even fictional accounts of their experiences spurs:

- Deeper prayers for the Lord to loosen the chains of injustice and save the lost
- A thankful heart that I am free
- Conviction that I too often waste that freedom and choose created things over the Creator
- A desire to serve, love, and pour myself into others for the sake of changing live in Christ

Yes, it probably sounds like I'm crazy, but these are the responses that spin out of my novel reading. Maybe I'm being too extreme, but I don't think so.

And speaking of worldly injustices, I learned on Sunday night that I will be co-leading the children's ministry in Haiti with my friend (and fellow community group member), Leanne. I could not be more excited. I have been greatly burdened by the magnitude of orphans in the small country of Haiti and feel unbelievably blessed to get to love on and encourage them. And also the children with families. It was so fun in Brazil to see how children's ministry seemed to be a magnet for adults as well, and I pray that this trend will continue in Haiti. I can't wait to get over there in two short months!!

That's all for now, folks.

Guard the Good Deposit

2011-05-12T08:34:00.000-05:00

The greatest decision I have ever and will ever make was to follow Christ. Both the initial decision and daily carrying my cross, even when I've made mistakes.

The second greatest decision I have ever made was to invest my time, energy, love, resources, prayers, and heart in the lives of a group of seemingly silly, ineffective 7th grade girls, all for the sake of discipling them in Christ.

Last night we had our Senior Celebration, our girls' last Watermark Student Ministries event. It was such a sweet time, and I am grateful to the staff for making it a special memory for our group.

My favorite moment of the night was when Lisa, Kristin, and I spent time edifying each of our precious girls, telling them (with their parents looking on) how proud we are of them, how we see Christ shining through their lives, and give them a little "send-off" for college. And I, this word-loving girl, still had difficulty articulating what my heart feels as words do not seem to be enough.

I want you to know about my precious ones and praise the Lord with me for what he is doing in and through them. Here is what I said to mine (one of my girls was not able to attend so I wrote her a note and don't have it saved! sad):

Ma bonita, Emily. You have a huge, loving heart and are fiercely loyal. You are never afraid to ask tough questions, yet do not allow uncertainty to waver your faith. You consistently serve without complaining, even on the hot, bug-filled Amazon! And you love without conditions; both are characteristics of a leader, which you are. Continue to be brave as you pursue the hard questions, serve Christ with everything in you, and love others without restraint. And keep singing "Jesus ama cada un!"

Precious Margaret. You have such a distinctively creative soul that continually inspires and challenges others to view our relationships with the Lord and this world through a unique lens. You have grown into a woman of authenticity, sharing the scariest parts of your life with your community in order to gain freedom and grow closer to Christ. Stay true to your unique, whimsical character and continue to fight for authentic community. I can’t wait to read the books you write, see the art you create, and hear about your future ministry in China.

Sweet Melissa. You are one of the most humble, servant-hearted people I know. You quietly consider others’ needs before your own, as evidenced by how you love your family, friends, Barnabas kids, and the Brazilian kids. You faithfully write God’s word on your heart, allowing it to mold and shape who you are. And you consistently turn conversations to Christ with everyone you encounter. Continue to hold firmly to the sword of God’s word, and always maintain your spirited, fun-filled outlook on life. And maybe your love of Harry Potter as well.

I remember six years ago when I met with Mel and David at Panera (random: funny that we went there as Mel and I both don't like it...we didn't know that then) to talk about serving and I told them I wanted to invest myself in younger women to disciple them in Christ. I know now I really didn't have a clue what that meant, but made the decision blindly. Little did I know the impact this seemingly small decision would have and the ways in which God would use discipleship to turn my life upside down and build a deeper, insatiable love for Him, His word, and His people. And how he would fold these sweet girls into the fabric of my life, creating a God-sized vision for their lives.

Discipleship is HARD, but it brings forth more joy than any material item or comfort ever could.

My closing verse to the sweet ones was from 2 Timothy 1:13-14 as pushing them to God's life-giving word is the greatest gift I can offer:
What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching, with faith and love in Christ Jesus. Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you - guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.

And I can't wait to go to Haiti with these lovely ladies, plus Margaret, Morgan, Allie, and Molly!

Full (but great) Weekend!

2011-05-09T08:47:00.000-05:00

This weekend was NON-STOP. I mean, literally. It was good, just lots going on...and I was in Dallas!

Friday
After work we had a happy hour for my planner, Rachel, who left the agency. I'm excited for her newest adventure, but so sad she left. She's a fellow Watermarkian and such a good worker. She left for a career change; thankful I'll still see her around church! And I'm trying to recruit her to join the fabulous student ministries team...

When I got home, two friends had joined my roommate for a little backyard hang-out time. We stayed out for a while, until I saw a rat run on the alley fence and freaked everyone out. (Yes, HP has rats) We transitioned to watch some basketball but didn't make it through the whole game since everyone was tired. (I didn't really care anyway...)

Saturday
I went to WW in the morning and was excited to have hit another milestone! More charms for the key chain. I then went to spin class since I couldn't go to zumba (sad...). It was good, but not as fun as zumba.

Then a group of us went to Singles in Service to give a field day to sweet kids in South Dallas. It was so much fun and those kiddos were precious. This is my first time serving with Cornerstone Church, but I was surprised by how much these kids reminded me of Brazil. Without even knowing our names or anything about us, they would ask us to pick them up or sit in our laps. I know the incidences of young parents and single-parent families is extremely high in this area and I couldn't help but wonder if they were starved for love and affection from adults. I've heard Haitian kids are the same way. Anyway, we did a lot of playing:

I then made the trek to Ft. Worth for my cousin, Libby's, graduation party! I can't believe this little girl who I helped pick-out her kindergarten school supplies is a college graduate! She's headed to Europe today...jealous. :) Here we are, though I really don't like this picture of me. Erg.

After the party, some friends went to Ozona's for dinner and a little patio time. There were LOTS of laughs between Sarah chanting about the girl wearing the shirt as a dress to Katie's attempts to say certain words without giggling...too darn funny. Love these friends!

Sunday
I was bad and skipped church. Oops. I don't really think I'm bad, just decided to skip as did Katie.

While I wasn't there, my niece, Morgan, was dedicated on Sunday! The first picture of her is in our family's 101 year old christening gown...yours truly was the last family member to have worn it.

While she was being dedicated, I went through a massive purge. Realistically I should have done so much more, but decided to save for another day. I've become painfully aware of how much I have and decided to first hash through my clothes. I gave away three bags of clothes, including probably a bags worth of clothes that no longer fit. I also decided from now on anytime I buy, get, or make a new item of clothing, I have to give another away. Again, I need to do some more purging (ie my books!) but it felt good to pilfer through my clothes!

I then went to the ole gym for a little elliptical workout. After that Katie and I headed to church as we were participating in the "cardboard testimonies". I was so proud of the kids who shared hard things on their boards! I'm actually quite surprised by my own authenticity, but decided if it helped even one kid not feel alone and/or gain the courage to share with someone, it was worth it.

The weekend finished with a little patio roommate dinner at Gloria's.

Phew! Lots going on. Next weekend will be equally full as I head to Lubbock to meet Morgan!!! And then get back for shoreline and our first team-only Haiti meeting. May is going to be a crazy month between at work and personal stuff.

Next up...Senior Celebration on Wednesday. Bring on the tears. :)

Lazy French

2011-05-06T17:15:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday we had our first Haiti team meeting. Although our girls weren't able to go as they had their Providence reunion and although it was more informational, not as much about specific prep, I started to get unbelievably excited. Then last night I was able to talk to a friend who just got back from another Watermark Haiti trip, and hearing her stories deepened the yearning to love on those orphans and share Truth with the Haitians.

Brazil was most definitely challenging, but I know Haiti is going to be hard on a whole new level. The poverty is even more extreme (which is hard to fathom!), voodoo worship runs rampant, there are over 400,000 orphans on the tiny island of Haiti, malnurishment is prevalent (Haiti ranks among the three worst countries in the world in daily caloric intake per person), corrpution is extreme, and of course everyone knows about the devistation from the earthquake. Aside from those things, I've learned the sleeping quarters where we will be have some animal "friends", restroom quarters are a little different since water is a precious commodity, I have a feeling it will be much hotter since we won't have the river breeze, our team is much bigger, and apparently many Haitian children run around without clothes on...interesting. :)

Yet in spite of all the hard things, I cannot wait to go. I know the Lord is doing mighty things in Haiti and I am beyond blessed to get to go. AND to lead high school kids as they give up comforts and things for others!

My friend who just got back said Haitian Creole is sort of like lazy French. That made me laugh as I'm sure French people would never want their language to be deemed lazy. I'm hoping my skills prove useful in communicating.

I'm sure many more stories will come over the coming months as we prepare. And of course I'll be bursting with stories after the trip. I know it's crazy to be this excited about spending a week with a bunch of high schoolers in a third world country - it's all the Holy Spirit, people. Praise Him for opportunities to learn about others, serve, grow, and share Truth.

A bientot, mes amis. (I wonder what that sounds like lazified?) :)

Peely Skin Disease Mishap

2011-04-28T16:34:00.001-05:00

Picking at dry skin from peely skin disease to the point of removing a layer of skin and bleeding makes typing at work painful.

But good thing I can still do this (though it's sideways):

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Twin Niece?

2011-04-26T12:31:00.001-05:00

As I said when Morgan was born, everyone says she looks like me. I still don't get how babies look like people, but my grandmother found a picture from when I was a week old:

Morgan
Moi (because I get to be French)

What do you think?

Prone to Wander...

2011-04-25T18:01:00.000-05:00

I learned about this a few minutes ago, at just the right time. One of my favorite bands playing one of my favorite hymns.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

Proud of My Brother

2011-04-24T09:45:00.000-05:00

On Friday, my brother, Adam, took part in an event through his gym to honor Christ's death on the cross. It was a two and a half hour intense workout designed to connect them to what Jesus did for us through that horrendous day of physical torture and crucifixion. Obviously they were not beaten or hung on a cross, but he said the workout was emotional, spiritual, and physically challenging, though worth it as it drew them closer to the Lord and what Jesus sacrificed for us.

He sent me this video clip of another gym that did this same workout last year:

I'm proud of A for finishing and for being committed to honoring Christ, even through exercise.

Praise the Lord for what we remember today. Christ the Lord is risen today!

Happy Easter!

Celebration!

2011-04-16T09:32:00.001-05:00

My goodness, God has been so good to me this week. Earlier I wrote about tough things happening and, since then I've hit two major milestones worth celebrating! For the first, I'll just say he's good and faithful. For the second...

Back in December I realized I was not feeling good about myself. My body hurt and ached and just was plain not good. I talked to my community and family and decided to restart weight watchers after Christmas. I did it years ago, but not with much success. I think part of it was because I was often eating to deal with other things I hadnt dealt with. Hence, celebrate recovery.

Well today I hit a big ww milestone...10%! I never hit that last time. I've now lost 20 pounds since Christmas! I still have a ways to go, but am thankful for this.

It's taken longer than I hoped, but I've learned a lot lately that God's timeline doesn't always match mine, but he most definitely teaches me a lot while I walk his. I've learned a lot these past few months about food, exercise, and how both can be used to honor the Lord!

Excited to keep walking this road. Would love to hit my goal weight by my 30th birthday, but okay if I don't.

Oh and ww is big on rewards with milestones. So today I'll finally use a gift card from Christmas to get some new TOMS that I've wanted. May seem like a strange reward, but I'd rather save for clothes... :)

Happy Saturday!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Your Love is Like a Sea Without a Shore

2011-04-12T08:54:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a hard day and, sadly, I don't think it'll be confined to just that day. Something occurred that, while I won't go into the details, in and of itself hurt a lot. Yet what hurt more was the Pandora's box of realization of the unfulfilled dreams that I'm walking through. Many tears were shed and many questions were raised. But in all of it, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is sovereign.

I have been in a wave of learning so much about God's character in these last few months. My hunger for Truth is insatiable and I crave deep time with him daily. I believe with every fabric of my being that the hard things and unfulfilled or shattered dreams brought forth this hunger and desperate grip on the Lord. And that grip has driven me to knowing his word, which has helped me to see today, in the midst of another frustrating circumstance, that he is worthy of praise and uses these circumstances to draw us closer to him.

As I mentioned in my small group retreat update, I heard the new Passion album this weekend. And, in God's most perfect timing, was listening to it fairly non-stop before I heard this news yesterday. Almost instantly, the lyrics to a new David Crowder song held a new meaning. It's called Sometimes. One line in the song says:

It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, We're lost in You

We laughed about that line over the weekend as David Crowder often talks about water in his music. We quickly dismissed the laughter when we thought about the magnitude of the ocean, it's depth and power, and the frequency with which water references appear in the Bible.

Now, though, I really get it. It doesn't make sense, but I genuinely feel lost in the Lord. The thoughts that cross my mind don't make any sense to me. And the fact that I am committed to seeking after an eternal prize that I don't understand or see instead of a tangible, though temporal, earthly prize is crazy.

Several times in this song (don't worry, I'll post the whole song below) Crowder says "don't be afraid". I can't help but think about when Jesus tells the disciples not to be afraid in the raging storm...for he is with them.

So today, while I know I'll still grieve these unfulfilled dreams and experience hurt, I know at my core that I stand on solid ground. And I serve a God who cares more about my holiness than my happiness. And that makes the hurt and broken dreams worth it.

I'm hoping to take next Friday off work as I have enough overtime hours in order to spend extended time with the Lord. I especially hope it works since Friday marks the anniversary of Jesus' death. What a timely day to reflect on what he's doing, yet cling to the hope that is to come.

Here's the song. I HIGHLY recommend this album. It really rocks and I could talk about all of the songs. :) I hope we start singing them at church soon.

Sometimes every one of us fears
Like we’ll never be healed
Sometimes
Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we’ll never be saved
Sometimes

When we’ve given up
Let your healing come
When theres nothing left
Let your healing come
Til were risin up
Let your healin come
Where You go we will follow
Where You go we will follow

It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
Sometimes

Sometimes it’s like we never loved home
For all the love we know
Sometimes like in a smile of a song
When you feel it come
Then that feelings gone
It flies

When we’ve given up
Let your healing come
When theres nothing left
Let your healing come
Til were risin up
Let your healin come
Where You go we will follow
Where You go we will follow

It’s your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
(3x)

Its your love we adore
Its like a sea without a shore
Don’t be afraid, Don’t be afraid

Just set your sail and risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace

Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me
Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me

It’s your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
It’s your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You

Where you go we will follow

Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me

Lake Getaway

2011-04-10T17:39:00.000-05:00

This weekend we had our very last small group retreat out at the lovely Cypress Creek lake. Our LAST one! How did that happen? And how do we only have four more small groups until Senior Celebration? And probably only five left since our girls are jet setting around the world this summer?!? How does that happen? Okay, I have to stop or I'll start to cry...

Our retreat was supposed to be back in February, but was post-poned due to the blizzard of Dallas. While a few girls were not able to come this weekend (or had to leave early to try out for Baylor Cheer!), it could not have been a better weekend. We spent most of the weekend outside enjoying the weather and enjoying one another. Phones barely worked, so there were minimal distractions. We had lots of laughs, lots of sunburns, lots of food (I managed to avoid the snacks, yay!), and lots of time revelling in the beauty and graciousness of the Lord.

Back six years ago when I started this ministry, I thought I'd be married with children by now. Obviously that hasn't happened, but I can truly say with every fabric of my being that, while I do mourn the unfulfillment of my dreams, I have increasing joy. God used this ministry to utterly wreck me for him. He has deepened my affections for him, established my dependance on his word and truth daily, expanded my vision for his Kingdom, and showed me knowing him for him is infinitely better than knowing him for blessings. THAT makes where he has me worth it. I'm grateful that he truly does use all things for my good. And my best is knowing him and being changed to be more like Christ. So thankful for how God used these darling girls to teach me more about his love for me, and all of his people.

Anyway, below are some pictures of the weekend. For some reason blogger is making them grainy and they're backwards in time...oh well. Also bummed I didn't get any with Morgan before she left!

Where'd Molly go?!?

Admiring the sunset

We sang praises to the Father to the tune of Molly playing guitar, the setting sun, the water, and a few bugs. :) Reminded me of our nights in Brazil. Emily attempting a perfect marshmallow Kate's perfect smore...she requested a picture for proof Melissa has the world's shortest skewer! Too funny

We did a lot of this

Lovely co-leaders

The cuties!

Kate learned Free Fallin' that afternoon and decided to serenade us...definitely the slowest version of the song, but funny

We did a lot of this, too

Graham came with us! Camille has baby fever

Making homemade pizza

Sunburned dearies

This picture makes me laugh...a lot.

I also managed to snag a quick video of singing praises. We did a lot of this: on the car ride there and back (to the Passion 2011 album...it ROCKS) and at multiple points throughout the weekend. Praising the Lord with these girls is one of my favorites.

And that's it. Thankfully we made it through the weekend with minimal tears. And, even though we only have a few small groups left, I'm so thankful to go to Haiti with five of our precious girls. Again, if you had told me I'd be going to Haiti with a bunch of high schoolers right before my 30th birthday, I would have told you you're nuts. But I am. And I'm so blessed to get to. And my joy abounds.

Let the Lord be glorified, that we may see your joy. Isaiah 66:5

Ma Niece La Princesse Morgan

2011-04-08T11:42:00.001-05:00

Morgan Elisabeth arrived late last night! I was already deep in slumber land when my brother called with the news, but thankfully I was sleeping on my bad ear so heard my phone ring. She is 7lbs, 14oz and 21 inches long which, frankly, doesn't mean much to me. But I know people like stats. :) The above picture reminds me of one my parents have of my brother as a baby. Though apparently everyone says she looks like me. I don't really see it, but I think they're comparing to ma bebe photo and I don't remember what I looked like! I also was surprised by my emotional response when I learned she was here. I knew I'd be so excited, but I didn't expect to be wrecked so quickly for a baby. I like babies okay, but have always been more of a bigger kid person, when they start talking and interacting. However, when I saw her sweet face (even though it was just a picture), this feeling of intense, immediate love overwhelmed me. I spent a good portion of this morning praying over her and McKenzie, asking the Lord to save them. I know this will be a consistent prayer. And then, I know this probably sounds strange, given she's only 14 hours old, but today I've been giddy excited to one day bring McKenzie and Morgan to Paris!! McKenzie looooooves all things French just like me (maybe because of me?) and I plan to get Morgan equally excited about my favorite place I've never been. Someday I hope we have the opportunity to walk along the Champs Elysees, gaze upon Paris from the top of the Eiffel Tower, manger les patisseries, and just enjoy the city! I fully plan to be fun Aunt Sarah to Morgan as I hope I am to McKenzie. Anyway, so thankful for this life, and prayerful God uses Morgan to glorify his name in magnificent ways. And I can't wait to meet her in May...it can't get here soon enough! Below are a few pictures thus far. I'm sure there will be many, many more. :)

Arg!!!!

2011-04-01T14:55:00.000-05:00

If you got to 1:38-ish, you'll see what I have been tempted to do all day. So.glad.it's.Friday. Loooong week. Oh and the video is pretty hilarious, though it may not be to non-student ministry folks since it does relate to their personalities. :)

Room

2011-03-28T18:06:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I finished this book. It was so interesting! It's a little difficult to describe without giving away too much, but essentially it's written from the perspective of a five-year old boy who has lived his entire life in an 11x11 foot room with just his mom. I can't tell you how they ended up in this room and why, as it means more to learn this along with Jack. I will say it takes some getting used to at first as he is so starved for community (hello, we were created for community!) that he befriends inanimate objects in his surroundings: Table, Rug, Meltedy Spoon. The author most definitely brings you into the mind of children who see the world in a straight-forward yet magical way. Check it out. My next book brings me back to the 70s in Iran, directly before the revolution: Rooftops of Tehran. Yay for historical fiction! Happy reading people!

Princess Golfer

2011-03-24T15:05:00.000-05:00

This makes me laugh. A lot. Silly McKenzie.

Ecstatic

2011-03-22T13:46:00.000-05:00

It hasn't even been 48 hours since I learned I was officially on the Haiti team this summer, and God has already used this impending trip to open a door for a conversation about him. I had a rep lunch today and she asked if I had any trips planned. I got to tell her about Haiti which led to a discussion about my church. She has a friend who also goes to my church and her family visited with them last year when their son was baptized. She had never been to a non-denominational church so we talked a little about that. Somehow the conversation then led to Joel Osteen (random, I know, she brought it up) and I had the opportunity to share where I didn't believe his theology lined-up with Scripture (see, it's good I've listened to his sometimes!).

No, it wasn't a full gospel presentation, but it was a door. And it started because of Haiti.

Praise God! I can't wait to see how many other conversations spur from this trip in my life and those of the other folks going on the trip. Praise God.

Francophone Pour Ce Francophile!

2011-03-21T15:52:00.000-05:00

I've always thought it was hilarious that there is a term for lovers of French culture: francophile. I think it's sort of an ugly word, so don't use it to define myself, though it certainly does!

There's also a term for all French-speaking countries that are not France (because that's the all-superior of the French language countries...according to the French :)): francophone.

In high school we had to memorize all of the francophones. I probably couldn't list them all off anymore, but know there are many in Africa, the Caribbean, Canada of course, and some in the Pacific.

I turn 30 this summer and, a few years ago, was shooting for going to France this summer. I'm okay with this knowing France isn't going anywhere.

What on earth does this have to do with the price of tea in China?!?

Although I'm not going to France, I am going to a francophone! One that has been on my heart long before earthquakes struck it. One that was most definitely magnified with the earthquake a little over a year ago.

This summer I get to go to Haiti!

I'll be a leader on the student ministry trip, on which at least four of our girls are going (potentially more, it's a little up-in-the-air)! I can barely believe it and am eternally blessed for this opportunity. Although the primary language of Haitians is Creole, not traditional French, it's based in French, so I'm hoping that helps. :)

More to come when the team is finalized, we know more of what we'll be doing, and know which area I'll be in-charge of. In the meantime, I'm so, so thankful for this opportunity. I can't wait to see how God will work in the coming months as we prepare.

Awake My Soul

2011-03-15T08:29:00.000-05:00

I've been a fan of Mumford & Sons for a while and have probably listened to the album...mmm...maybe 1,000 times? Maybe not, but a whole lot. The song that inspired the title of today's post is currently my most repeated song. I think it's because the lyrics align so much with where I am.

I have no idea if the band knows the Lord, but many of their songs have some Scriptural undertone. Regardless, they stir my affections for Him since I do see the Truth behind the lyrics.

Anyway, here's the song in a super fun video...love the Golden with his ball. Enjoy. :)

I also love this video. If it doesn't load it immediately, look for Goodbye India: Awake My Soul. The Indian kiddos singing with the band at the beginning is the best part if you don't want to watch the whole thing.

In case you don't understand the lyrics, they are:

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

La Verite en Francais

2011-03-14T08:56:00.000-05:00

I was alone most of this weekend which, although not usually my favorite, ended up being exactly what I needed. (though I did beg my roommate to go to dinner when she got home last night...she was unbelievably sweet to oblige as I was getting nutso...) I'm learning that my extroverted self does need time alone, but that I also do better if that time is purposeful. I tend to fill alone time with projects and errands and media as opposed to resting. I was intentional to limit my television time, limit my errand running, and limit my project-working (though I did all of those things). Instead, I was intentional to have longer periods of time hanging out with the Creator.

Lately, I've been learning a lot about living in grace and experiencing freedom from the chains of the Law. It's all still in bits as I do not fully have a grasp on the truth, and likely never will, but it has left an insatiable hunger for God's word. Insatiable in that with every minute I spend with Him, my heart longs for more.

On Saturday, or maybe yesterday, I ran across a verse that, although it was underlined in my Bible, I do not remember reading:

They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshipped and served created things rather than the Creator - who is forever praised. Amen. Romans 1:25

It came up via a book I'm going through about change and was unbelievably struck by the weight of it...that I am believing lies instead of Truth. And by believing those lies, I am worshipping and serving things that have been created as opposed to the Creator. Um, wow.

I also finished the second book in a fictional series that my friend, Sarah, recommended yesterday. The second is about an American girl who goes to France to pastry school and to work in a French family bakery. There were a lot of true elements to the French culture woven in the story, which of course made it fun for me. The girl also was reading the Bible in French at times throughout the story.

This morning, for whatever reason, I decided to look-up this verse from Romans in my French Bible. Although you may not know what it says, I'm writing it below. Though I can't figure out how to make the accents show up in blogger, so it'll be a little wrong...

Oui, ils ont deliberement echange la verite concernant Dieu, contre le mensonge, ils ont adore et servi la creature au lieu du Createur, lui qui est loue eternellement. Amen!

Although this is not my native tongue and I am by no means even remotely fluent, I understood this verse (granted memorizing it in English helps :)). But I actually like the French version better based on two words:

Deliberement = deliberately
Adorer = to adore, to worship

As I again allowed the weight of the verse to sweep over me, this time in French, my heart was beating quickly as the adjustment of meaning when looking at the French was so powerful. Here, I'll add in these words to the English version to help you come to the same understanding as I did:

They deliberately exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and adored/worshipped and served created things rather than the Creator - who is forever praised. Amen! (like the exclamation point, too :)).

Our hearts are naturally sinful. They are inclined to sin because of the fall. They can ONLY be made pure and good by the grace of Christ. When we choose to sin or think negative thoughts or what-have-you, we are deliberately choosing to believe lies instead of the Truth of God. We are adoring, worshipping, serving, loving the temporal, created things as opposed to the majestic Creator. It's as if we are saying no to the priceless gift of grace, exchanging it for lesser gifts that, although can be good, are of no value in comparison.

Later last night I found myself battling thoughts that were not of the Lord. I knew these thoughts could be detrimental so I began to meditate on this verse and chose to text a friend, asking her to pray with me. She responded saying she was up and to call if I wanted. A piece of me didn't want to bother her, but I knew that was prideful and believing lies so I did. We didn't talk long, but she prayed over me and it helped immensely. I'm thankful for community. And also thankful that, even if they are not available when thoughts rush over, I'm never alone. I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit.

And I'm thankful for my bizarre love of French and French culture, and God's faithfulness to use it to deepen my affection for him. May we all be cognisant of our tendency to believe lies and be diligent to combat those lies with the Truth of God's word.

Prayerful la Verite en Francais (which means Truth in French) encourages you.

You Knit Me Together

2011-03-13T14:03:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday we threw my sister in-law, Heather, a baby shower for Morgan Elisabeth. The theme was "borrowed" from my friend Caryn: Psalm 139

For your created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

The decorations were all created by my mom and me, a combination of bibs, burb clothes, onesies, and balls of yarn and sewing spools. It was definitely a fun afternoon, and I hope Heather felt encouraged by our family's love.

Here are pictures from the day. I was having blogger issues so they're all mixed up, but whatever. :)

Hard to read, but it's Psalm 139 written to Morgan.

Jody, my mom, Heather, and McKenzie

My two gifts for Morgan. I seriously could have spent billions of dollars buying/making girly cuteness, but my wallet would not have been so happy. And I do have to eat. :)

McKenzie and my cousin Madison

My aunt, Ann, and me...Aunt and my mom could be twins except the different hair color

My aunt Tucean and cousin Kennedy...their facial expressions are making me laugh

Kenz eating a sausage cheese ball before the party starts. She was excited as those are usually only made at Christmas in the Franks family

Ann and Jody looking at the fabulous baby book Heather's mom made

The Buckley girls, plus me...though I guess I'm still a Buckley girl even though my last name is Franks :) Bonnie, Georgia, my mom, Anna, and Ann.

Since McKenzie loves French like me, I made big sis - little sis shirts in French!

Kenzie's gets an Eiffel Tower since it's bigger. Plus, we're going to move there and live at the top someday :)

Dress and booties

Collection of gifts. So many homemade...we have a talented family!

Jackson (my three-year old cousin and the only boy allowed), Madison, and Kenz being goofy

Quilt Heather's mom made for the nursery

McKenzie being goofy, holding up the dress my mom made for her that matches one of Morgan's baby dresses

Four darling outfits my mom made! She's the one in black

Chest painted by my aunt, Betty, to match the nursery. You'd never know it wasn't purchased at the same store! Along with a few other things, the chest had a pair of cutie socks from FRANCE! My cousin Libby was there recently and got them for her. Oh jealousy... :)

Beautiful afgan that my aunt, Liz made! It also matches the nursery and is sooooo soft! We missed you, Liz!

Baby blanket I made

Knowing her, McKenzie is telling my aunts Betty and Missy and cousin Kelsey something very funny :)

The yummy cupcakes. I only had a little bite...not a big icing person

Bibs and burp cloth

More bibs and burp cloths...the Texas Tech one doesn't really match the shower colors but my mom felt it was necessary :) Morgan's going home outfit is Texas Tech...man alive my brother is Red Raider crazy :) Good thing Morgan threw a hook 'em horns during one of her ultrasounds

This was a baby blanket of my brother's that my mom saved. She actually got a second that I don't have a picture of. One was made by my grandmother, Mammy and the other by my great-grandmother, Honey

The moms and one sister (me) plus McKenzie. Sadly Heather's sister, Stephani, wasn't able to come

Before the boys left, my brother and me. This is pretty typical...most of our pictures together are somewhat goofy. My dad had just made us both turn around after we tried to skirt it :)

Morgan's name that I made to match her room

Something crazy happened to this picture, but it's my dad, Heather, and brother, A before the boys left

And that's it! In a few short weeks we'll get to meet Miss Morgan Elisabeth. Curious about what she'll look like... :)

Social Media Break

2011-03-09T07:53:00.000-06:00

In light of my latest revelations as outlined in my previous posting, I decided to fast from social media (aka facebook and twitter) throughout Lent.

I haven't given up anything for Lent in probably 10 years as the Lenten season is not really discussed or a focus within either the Baptist church (which I went to for part of college) or non-denominational churches. I know I didn't fully understand the purpose when I was younger; however, as my relationship with Christ has deepened, the beauty of what the season should represent has intensified.

Fasting from social media has circled around my head a little (along with fasting from alcohol, which I'm also going to do) and, after praying through it, really feel like it is a prime time. The purpose of this fast is not merely to stop, but instead to refocus that time on the Lord. I generally don't spend big hunks of time with social media; however, I do find myself checking the apps throughout the day as I walk between meetings, wait for the elevator, etc. Several months ago I fasted for a week and committed that time to speaking with the Lord and memorizing Scripture. It was SO great. I am confident He will use this time in big ways, too. Even if it's simply to increase my communication with Him throughout the day.

I want to end with saying I in no means am sharing this to seem holy or Pharissee-like; so don't think that if you're tempted to! :) It's purely for accountability and out of a thankful heart for where the Lord is working in my life. Excited for this intentional time of centering my heart around Him, as I study the life of Jesus, and reflect on the beyond-comprehension meaning of the Lenten season.

The Comparison Monster

2011-03-07T12:37:00.000-06:00

I've known for a long time that I struggle with comparison. I think all people do on some level and, if you say you don't, you probably don't realize that you do. But I won't focus on cyberspace-you and will instead focus on me.

Over the past few years, a time of more heart change than I ever would have dreamed possible, the depth with which I compare myself to others was peeled back. Even so, last week the Lord revealed to me that that comparison is so deep that it defines the way I view myself and my relationship with him. And this comparison practice has pushed me down into striving to live by the law even though I am made free from the law through grace in Christ Jesus. Essentially I was hit by a spiritual 2x4 last week when I stumbled my way into Galatians 3, particularly the first six verses that say:

You foolish Galatians! (aka you foolish Sarah!) Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified. I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by believing in what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh? Have you experienced so much in vain - if it really was in vain? So again I ask, does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you by the works of the law or by your believing what you heard? So also Abraham "believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness."

More and more since last week, I've realized how comparison has bonded me in the chains of the law as I continually try to determine if my life looks like it should. And if it doesn't, how do I force myself to change to make it look like some ambiguous vision of what I think is right. Essentially how do I finish my salvation by means of the flesh!

This morning I was praying as I have no idea how to free myself from these chains. What am I supposed to do Lord? I finished my time without a clear answer and headed into work. About an hour into the day, I found myself comparing as different people talked about how many hours they worked over the weekend, etc. I felt guilty that I didn't crack my computer open except to pull a recipe and instead devoted the weekend to my family (more on the baby shower for Morgan Elisabeth later!). I am thereby a bad worker.

I was then reminded of a sweet girl in our small group who took a moment to thank me last night for consistently coming to shoreline. It was an encouragement, but bits of guilty creeped in as I skipped the month of October as I was just tired from the whirlwind of things in my life. Did that make me an unfaithful leader?

I missed church yesterday due to family time and shoreline, but was just able to catch-up on the sermon as I worked on a project/ate lunch. It was about doubt and I definitely recommend it. (Go here to listen) Doubt was something I battled last fall in a big way, but then also had a realization as it relates to my continuous comparison and living under the law.

I doubt that God will change me, mold me, and direct my steps; therefore, I look for humans to measure myself against.

Wow. Talk about a 2x4 against the head. It is SCARY to let go of the reins of my life. It is SCARY to trust that God will not let me go. That he created me with this personality, set of giftings, set of weaknesses, fears, doubts, etc and that he did so beautifully.

The theme of the shower this weekend was Psalm 139. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am saved by grace alone so that I cannot boast. Walking by the Spirit, knowing that I am already covered by the grace of Jesus and have no need for comparing myself to created beings is SCARY. I don't know why I'm so hard on myself since my heart is continually on-fire for pointing others to grace, but I am desperate to remove the chains of the law.

It is SCARY, but it is sweet. Trusting every moment of the day demands continuous communication with the Spirit, leaning into his urgings when I feel myself looking to another instead of looking to the Cross. I know I'll fail at times and I know I'll need to be reminded of grace. Thankful God doesn't let me go.

DTown

2011-03-01T17:33:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago, we had our very last DTown with the girls. I still can't believe how quickly these years have past, and I can't believe the little 7th graders I started with are nearing the end of high school. A few tears were definitely shed among the group throughout the weekend, but they were happy tears. Tears of thankfulness for God's faithfulness throughout these years. Amazing.

The weekend was fun as well, and very small group-centric, chill, and full of service. We skipped the Saturday game to serve longer...great decision. Not only were our eyes open to the world of CPS, but we were hopefully able to bless all of the families and social workers who grace its presence daily. Prayerful their hearts were opened to Truth even as they were served.

Rather than ramble on, I'll just share some pictures. They're a mix of iPhone and camera pictures, hence the blurriness of some.

Our perfectionists decorating one of the now-clean CPS rooms

We loved being able to spruce-up the rooms, even in decorating the dull walls!

Cleaning out the nasty books...seriously, there was so much grossness there, and to think kiddos spend lots of time week-in and week-out in this environment! Thankful for all the toy donators.

This outlines a lot of our weekend...enjoying one another. Senior year sure is fun!

Okay, this isn't DTown, but proud of Miss Molly helping to lead worship at shoreline. It's crazy as I remember when she was learning guitar and now she's pretty darn amazing

We only stayed at the Saturday night karaoke/inflatable party for a little while...they're dancing to some random country song. My favorite is Emily in the front (SMU shirt)

Two of my three who were at DTown...Anna was at another event here and we missed Margaret and Lilly all weekend!

The Galvin Jam Band. They've come a long way from the middle school dances, though I sometimes miss those...particularly White and Nerdy

More from CPS post cleaning

Our little perfectionists sorting the gross toys/books...they were later scrubbing the floors

Washing the walls covered with who-knows-what

The gang (sans Emily!) at Friday night club

This is really from a small group dinner, not DTown. Four of my five girls. And don't mind my dopey hat...I think maybe I can't pull it off

Three of my dearies!

Okay, this isn't DTown either, nor is it a picture from the past 15 years. Yep, this is 12-year old Sarah with 5-year old Libby. I ran across this at home and took a picture of the original with my iPhone. It makes me laugh in big ways...1. why on earth am I giving Libby and random child (no idea who that is, it's not another cousin) a concert and 2. why is Libby so entranced? Too funny.

Why do you want to...?

2011-02-22T16:01:00.000-06:00

I haven't written much lately (master of the obvious). I'd like to say it's because I was doing some wildly exciting thing or on a fabulous trip, but realistically I've been busy and haven't thought anyone cared a smidgen about my random thoughts. There have also been a few times I've drafted posts and, after re-reading, decided they didn't make sense or convey what I was striving for. Maybe today's will be the same, maybe not. Guess we'll see. :)

Since Christmas, I've bounced around different areas of study during my time with The Man. I've pilfered through different books in the Old Testament, agonized (well, some of the time) in Shattered Dreams, investigated Don't Waste Your Life for my small group, and, most recently, picked-up You Can Change. It's been great to see how each of these seemingly unrelated books actually relate in huge ways since they're all woven into the fabric of God's story.

Anyway, this morning I primarily focused in You Can Change, which led to a question and a passage in Matthew. The question was "why do you want to become more like Jesus?" I journaled my response, feeling confident that my motives were pure as I know being more like Jesus is abnormal and, at it's core, makes life less about me.

Then I proceeded to read and felt wildly convicted as the author explained that being more like Jesus means working through/eliminating sins and what is our motivation for that? He outlined that we often have three motivations for repenting from sin:
1. Receive blessing from the Lord
2. Be viewed as "good" by others
3. Self-atone as we still think we have to earn salvation

I realized that if I'm completely honest, I, too, am motivated by bits of those three items. In my head I think, "if I escape this sin, God will bring a husband" or "if I don't stop sinning, I'll be kicked out of student ministry" (I haven't thought that in a while, but have in the past!), or "I shouldn't sin anymore as a believer". All lies and all barriers to drawing close to the Lord and, ultimately, experiencing freedom from sin.

The author then directed to a passage in Matthew that, incidentally, paralleled the passage discussed during this weekend's Dtown (more on that later); Matthew 7:13-28.

I started thinking specifically about the narrow gate and narrow road and the foolish man building his house on the sand, along with a phrase shared this weekend "we too often choose instant gratification instead of delayed satisfaction."

This road with Christ is not intended to be easy, something I'm most definitely learning more and more. Ultimate satisfaction in Jesus does not mean earthly comfort. I find myself striving to define what it does mean in a tangible sense, but I think maybe it's not definable as it's not normal in an earthly sense. How do you define followers of Christ who are being stoned and yet singing praises to Jesus as Stephen did? That's not normal.

This realization gives me some peace, but also freaks me out. Why? Because I don't know if I'm experiencing it. Why? Because my brain STILL defines it in the realms of comfort! A piece of me thinks that if I don't feel close to the Lord and not out-of-control, that's satisfaction. But maybe that's actually the opposite. Maybe satisfaction is KNOWING God is there, in spite of my feelings, and feeling wildly out-of-control. Maybe, I'm not sure.

Anyway, so I started stewing on these things and trying to work the puzzle in my head. I also considered them through the lens of my very feelings-based personality. I've realized in the past week-or-so that too often my feelings take over my logic. Sometimes that's okay, but sometimes the feelings make it difficult to separate when I'm giving into instant gratification. However, thankfully God has shown me that this feelings-based personality is not bad. That I don't need to learn how to shut them off as he created me this way. Instead, I must realize that I must be rooted in the Spirit's power to overcome those feelings when they are leading me down the wide path as opposed to the narrow path. When they turn me into a foolish person, bent on instant gratification.

So that brings me back to the original question: "Why do you want to become more like Jesus?" We are all so very different, and yet we can ALL become more like Jesus. How awesome is that? The depth of his character is such that every single solitary personality-type can be more like him. How? Because the Spirit fills-in the gap for us all, just as it does with me.

So how do I become more like Jesus? I journaled about this for a while and, after realizing how stinking excited and exhilarating it was to read the few verses of Jesus' words, felt a pressing of the Spirit to engulf myself in them. So, folks, I'm moving over to the Gospels for an undefined period of time. I plan to avail myself to the Spirit's urging, but plan to move molassesly-slow through the four Gospels, relishing Jesus' life. I know they get repetitive when they cover the same story, but what better story to read over-and-over?! I'm darn excited. It's been a few years since I studied Jesus' life in-depth and, even then, it was typically not a dedication to all four Gospels.

I want desperately to become more like Jesus. I am ecstatic to see how this time unfolds, particularly as I've spent the last two-or-so years mostly in the OT. I am confident that time of studying prophesy for the coming Christ will ever enrich this time studying the fulfillment of those prophesies. And more than anything else, I pray that the Lord uses these times to mold and change me further, regardless of what that means for my personal comfort and dreams.

Shatter 'em, Lord, if it means I can be more like Jesus.

Can't Spell Texas...

2011-02-07T17:13:00.001-06:00

This is a spot our agency made for one of my clients. Although I'm not a country fan and had no idea who Jack Ingram was, I like the Texas-ness to it. It debuted in the Super Bowl.

My favorite line is "Austin's gotta have it's Hook 'em Horns!" :) There are also lots of longhorns sprinkled throughout.

Enjoy.

Snowy Days

2011-02-02T15:16:00.001-06:00

So, I'm the first to admit that I generally love colder weather. Granted, my favorite temps are in the 30s and 40s, when you can wear a coat, scarf, and gloves and be a-okay, not the frozen tundra-like temps.

I also used to love snow days. I still remember with fondness the year we missed a week of school in Virginia due to a giant snow storm. Sure, we couldn't drive out of our neighborhood, but that didn't stop us from covering our feet with plastic bags inside our shoes, bundling up, and grabbing our boogie boards to use as make-shift sleds. I also remember the night my dad woke us up to take a walk in the snow in the middle of the night. It was so cool...a deep quiet as the flakes settled on the ground, lighting up the neighborhood as the moonlight reflected off the crystals. Definitely a favorite life memory.

Now, as an adult, I'm not a big fan of snow days... I'm sure I wouldn't mind them if I was able to sit cozily in my jammies with a warm cup of coffee, but instead they always seem to fall amidst insane times at work. This week being no exception. I found myself driving to the office at 5:30 last night to gather materials to work until 10pm and then to turn around at 6am and start the whole process again. Busy days are certainly made more stressful when it takes twice as long to get anywhere and you're working with a skeleton crew! Thankfully everything was submitted and, although it's still a busy day, feels less stressful.

I'm also a little sad. We have our very last small group retreat planned for this weekend at one of our girls' lakehouses. As of now, it's looking like we may have to cancel unless roads clear-up early enough on Saturday to make the drive worth it for less than 24 hours (we're already fairly certain we'll have to cancel Friday night). This is such a disappointing possibility. My girls are really looking forward to the weekend and we have special things planned to encourage them. I'm still hopeful...

I hope all of you have enjoyed your snow days (if you're in a snow/ice-filled area). I'm incredibly thankful to have a job to rush off to, the blessing of girls who love the Lord and love others, a roof over my head, and food in my pantry. I know my frustrations are minor in comparison to the struggles of others. But I do miss the snow days of imaginative childhood. :)

Holey Pear

2011-01-31T12:55:00.000-06:00

I'm sad. My pear this morning had a hole in it, which I didn't notice until a few minutes ago. I don't think it was there when I bought it as I inspect my fruits pretty thoroughly. And you may think "so what, it's a hole!" But I was scarred by a holey fruit back in high school...

One bright sunny summer day I was sitting in the loft with my mom eating a peach. There had been a hole in said peach, except I took little notice figuring it was damage through transport. Little did I know what would transpire in a few minutes...

I was eating the peach happily, enjoying the sweet juiciness. Then, to my great horror I looked down and saw...wait for it...

A WORM crawl out!!!!!

Ugh, I thought I would be sick. I immediately jumped up (and likely screamed), opened the door to the balcony and hurled the damaged fruit out the door while my mom looked on with confusion.

Therein lies why I no longer eat holey fruit. Sadly I only brought a pear this morning so will have to go downstairs to check-out the apples. Hopefully there will be one to my liking to fill the afternoon munchies.

Note: I fully recognize the hole likely does not mean a nasty worm crawled in, but I couldn't risk it. Especially since I don't have a knife and the plastic ones wouldn't do much good. Oh well...

Headaches Be Gone!

2011-01-26T12:38:00.001-06:00

For the past few months I've increasingly suffered from headaches and dizziness. It started periodically and has since increased in frequency to where almost every day I have a bout of one or both. Seriously. Annoying.

I went to my doctor a few weeks ago, coming to the conclusion that it's probably not dehydration considering I drink about two liters of water a day. Alas, all the tests were normal so she chalked it up to tension headaches, migraines, or possibly a wrong eye prescription. I updated my eye prescription last spring, so thought that wouldn't be it. In the meantime, I've taken the tension headache medicine a few times, except it's not a permanent solution as a. it's too strong to take daily and b. makes me super sleepy (though I don't feel anything...).

Prior to starting the migraine medicine, I decided to get my eyes re-checked, this time not by the Target optometrist. The migraine medicine is pretty intense, so I first want to ensure there's not an easier solution.

I'm going to a new eye doctor tomorrow. He's an opthamalogist and is another Baylor doctor (I've had very good luck with those Baylor doctors!) so am really, really, REALLY hoping a new contacts/glasses prescription can rectify the whole headache/dizziness thing as I've lost all patience. He's a little on the pricey side in comparison to Target, but if it takes the pain away, it's worth it (still hoping my medical insurance will accept the charges since I'm having issues...we'll see).

Here's hoping I don't have another undiagnosable or incurable issue. If I do, I'll have to work through that. But in the meantime, I'm pleading with the Lord for healing. Though readying my heart to praise him regardless if it's not curable (via eyes or migraine medicine).

The Civil Wars

2011-01-17T08:32:00.000-06:00

So, I love, love, LOVE finding new music. I think I've said that before, in any case, it's one of my favorite things. And, I very often listen to music by artists who are relatively unknown. Yes, I do have mainstream artists, too, but my favorites are the indie folks.

Anyway, one of my current favorites is The Civil Wars. Incidentally, I've had some of their music for a while without realizing the lead girl singer is Joy Williams, someone else I like (and have quite a bit of her music). Thanks, Stacy, for putting the pieces together!

You want to know the best part? They have a free download for an album and their new single.

This is my favorite of their songs:

Yodeling Ventriliquist Beauty Queen

2011-01-17T08:10:00.001-06:00

Saturday night a few friends went to dinner at the yummy Patrizio's. Although it was chilly, we ate on the heated patio and pretended we were in a far-off European village.

Since it was a dreary, gross day, we all were in the mood for a chill evening. What better than to watch the Miss America pageant, right?!? When I first heard that was the plan, I wasn't so sure I'd participate as I hadn't watched a pageant in 15+ years. But then I didn't have any better plans. Oh. My. Gosh. It was pretty hilarious and quite fun to watch.

Our favorite contestant was Miss Arkansas. Although she was 2nd place, she was the winner in our book. I mean, who can beat a yodeling ventriliquist in a sparkly red jumpsuit??? Here, see for yourself:

Katie decided she wants this to be her new talent. She's currently practicing with her hands, but I see a puppet purchase in her future... :)

Unleashing Creativity

2011-01-06T08:49:00.001-06:00

This is a recent posting from Donald Miller's blog, and, being a creative soul, I kind of love it. I have honestly not felt stifled creatively by my church, but do sometimes feel stifled by either myself or this ambiguous idea of what is okay. Kind of hard to explain; maybe it makes sense? Here's the posting:

Is Church Life Stifling Your Creativity?

When Solomon wrote Song of Songs, a dramatic opera about a young, poor woman who fell in love with a Shepherd king, do you think he had “the voice of the church” in his head? Do you think he was worried about what a group of people might think? Of course the evangelical church didn’t exist, then, and neither did the collective evangelical consciousness, but what I mean by that question is that if Solomon were writing today, and were writing an Opera for young kids about the ways of love, he would no doubt be attacked. My guess is the criticisms would be listed as such:

1. His opera does not mention God. Why wouldn’t he use this opportunity to bring people to God? He’s a Godless man.
2. His opera is erotic, filled with sexual imagery and even sexual instruction. It’s unfitting for any person to read, much less young couples.
3. It’s confusing. We don’t know where the acts begin. It isn’t structured. It’s amature.
4. He never mentions sex should be saved till marriage, so he must be endorsing pre-marital sex.
5. There seems to be no point to the work. If he’s trying to teach something, you can’t figure out what it is, and if he isn’t trying to teach something, what’s the point of reading it or listening to it as an opera?

And so on and so on.

Here’s the point of this blog post: There is a difference between what “the church” wants you to do and what God wants you to do. Do what God wants you to do. Go and create, even as you were made to create.
//

For me (Sarah, the post is done :)), as I continue to learn and work more on my heart, creative ideas flows more freely. Sometimes I just stew on them, sometimes I attempt to execute, and sometimes, sadly, I do stifle them.

I know of a few creative-souled friends who are committing to invest time in 2011 to expressing God's word in artistic ways. One, a musician is working on a project to put Scripture to music. Another, an artist, is committing to memorize significant portions of the Psalms and illustrating them.

I love this! I'm inspired and am going to commit to expressing creatively something from God's word at least once a week. Much of it may be for my own time with the Lord to learn more about him, the Ultimate Creator, so it may not look pretty. And I am also opening myself to use any form I feel inspired to use, since let's face it, I have a multitude of interests (writing, sewing, yarn work, drawing, music...just not painting, I stink at that one and don't enjoy it as much :)).

I just share this to hopefully inspire you! Even if you think you have zero creativity, that's a lie from the pit of hell! Creativity does not equal the arts. Trust me. I know many people who are not artistically creative and yet they have amazingly creative ideas! Expand your horizons and create. And if you're not an artist (heck, I'm not), who cares. Draw stick figures and I am confident they will bring glory to God! I believe expression draws us deeper into the heart of the King, and am unbelievably ecstatic to see how he'll use this.

He lived serenely, as a greater artist than all other artists, despising marble and clay as well as color, working in living flesh. That is to say, this matchless artist .... made neither statues nor pictures nor books; he loudly proclaimed that he made ... living men, immortals.
Vincent Van Gogh, on Jesus

Nouvelle Annee!

2011-01-03T11:04:00.000-06:00

I am like the Israelites.

That was my epiphany this morning. Realistically, it’s not a new learning, but was a small answer to a few things I’ve been chewing on a ton for the past month. Sort of the 2010 in a nutshell learning, if you will. For the last month, I’ve thought a lot about Jesus’ first coming. Yes, maybe this was partially spurred by the season, though I thought about it in a different way than ever before as the thoughts were filtered through the realization of shattered dreams.

For the first nine months of 2010, although difficult circumstances popped-up occasionally, my heart was more on fire for the Lord and stirred by his word than ever before. Then all at one time, it seemed like a collision of hard things occurred in my life and the lives of those I love: sickness, aging, death, hurt by the church, lack of answers, broken families, abuse, shattered dreams, loneliness, and dissatisfaction with my body, and struggles with previously wrangled sins. In the midst of these incidents that all hit in the span of a month, it felt as though the Lord had withdrawn his hand. I knew biblically this was not true, but I also knew he sometimes remains outwardly quiet while he changes the inside.

As I emerged from the fog, I was reminded in simple ways that God didn’t leave. From seeing a bear donation drive for Amazon Outreach (the ministry we partnered with in Brazil) at a random Starbucks to having one of my precious girls text me a verse of Scripture unknowing to its timeliness and truth for that moment. So I resolved to pursue him, regardless of understanding what on earth he was doing.

On to the epiphany… In my resolve, I dug deep into Jesus’ birth. I’ve always known it was different since he was born to a young, relatively poor couple in a dank cave surrounded by likely gross smells and being first presented to a bunch of seemingly random shepherds. I knew there was intense beauty in how God chose to bring him into this world, how it in and of itself pointed to the truth that Jesus is for all people, even the “lowest of the low.” What I hadn’t really thought about was how this was so completely opposite from what the Israelites expected.

They were waiting for second coming Jesus. The mighty warrior King to sweep in, wipe away the enemies, and give them immediate comfort and peace. Yet they didn’t understand the need for this first coming of Jesus. Humble, servant, sacrifical Jesus who lived a perfect human life only to die an excrutiating death, taking on our sins, to rise again and free us from that insurmountable bondage we were in, thereby restoring our relationship with the Father. They didn’t know that they first needed a complete heart change before they could live pain-and-bondage free. And that that change would likely be somewhat painful as refinement is.

You may think I’m slow, but it took me until today to realize I’m exactly like the Israelites. I wanted heaven now and missed the fact that my heart needs more change. Although I knew in my head I was still being changed, if I’m honest, I wanted to reach a point on earth where there would not be pain and hurt and shattered dreams and instead the King would wipe them away, creating heaven on earth. I wanted the end result while skipping the change, not realizing the change brings the end result.

I’ve found a bit of a theme song for this season of life called The Greatness of Our God, by Hillsong. Each lyric points to aspects of God’s character that he is revealing and making more real to me. Yet I know that I spend my life to know, and I'm far from close to all You are, the greatness of our God.

I wonder what change God has in store for 2011…

Speaking of which, I thought I’d share a few resolutions. These are the fun ones; I have some serious goals, but don’t feel like blogging about them. :)
1. Cook at least once a week while wearing a cute, Anthropologie-esque apron
2. Light more candles…I love them but rarely light as I never want to waste them; decided that’s a waste!
3. Read Tale of Two Cities and Crime and Punishment – two books I’ve wanted to read but have never gotten around to it
4. Redecorate my cube at work as it’s been exactly the same for about three years…needs some sprucing!
5. Redecorate my room, somewhat, to bring in more color; will likely mean pillows and curtain sprucing
6. Brush-up on my French…because it makes me happy

Bonne annee mes amis!

Colonial Christmas

2010-12-17T14:40:00.000-06:00

My family lived in Yorktown, Virginia, the home of the British Army surrender in the Revolutionary War, for four years throughout my middle and most of high school years. I think it's safe to say, all four of us fell in love with the rich history, beautiful landscapes, proximity to the ocean (we lived on a peninsula in the Chesapeake Bay), and the four seasons! One of our most favorite places, though, is about 30 minutes north of Yorktown, a perfectly preserved look into American history: Colonial Williamsburg.

Williamsburg is one of my most favorite places on earth as it is steeped with amazing history and very fond family memories. And my most favorite time to attend is Christmas. Williamsburg encapsulates the coziness and family-focus of Christmas better than any place I have been. I'm sure there are places that rival it's Christmas beauty and fun, but it's certainly a favorite for me and was our Christmas home for three of our four years in Virginia.

This week, it's snowing in the Tidewater area which makes me want to go even more! I loved when it snowed in Virginia, so am definitely jealous of those folks today! In any case, I'm here in Dallas where there is no snow in sight and you can easily walk outside sans coat. So instead, I thought I'd share a few images from this Christmas wonderland. I hope you enjoy! And if you ever have the opportunity to have a Colonial Christmas, do it. It's fabulous.

The decorations in Williamsburg are all colonial-style made from fruit and foliage. They are amazingly beautiful!

One of my favorite traditions was to get a cup of wassail with cinnamon and a gingerbread cake. Although a poor image, the above picture is exactly how the cakes look! The wassail was typically served in a paper cup if you bought one while walking on the street

King's Arm Tavern was our host for Christmas dinner for several years. We thoroughly enjoyed having a traditional colonial-style Christmas dinner! Triple yum.

Christmas Eve we always went up for the firing of the Christmas guns and the lighting of the tree. The fife and drum corp would march in, they'd shoot off the guns, and everyone shouted "hazza!"

I mean seriously, gorgeous!
This is the iconic image of Williamsburg, the Governor's Palace

And this is a book on how to make your own Williamsburg Christmas decorations! Yes, I have it. No, I did not buy it. :)

Crazy Busy!

2010-12-15T16:52:00.001-06:00

Today has been one of those days where I have so many things on my must do list that are all equally important and a multitude of emails flooding in that I needed to take a minute break to resort my brain. Sometimes I get too rattled and wind up in a tizzy, so have learned those situations require a few minutes away from the work to think about something else. So of course that something else today is the work!

Back in August, one of my accounts left the agency. I had worked on this account for over three years and it was a substantial piece of business. It was most definitely an insane account, but they only advertised three times a year so the insanity was somewhat contained. Plus, it was one account so we could always ask the client to prioritize their "must haves", which we did frequently. After this account left, rather than fill it with another equally-sized one, I was given multiple smaller accounts (smaller in budgets) to fill it. I'm definitely thankful for a change of pace, new learning experiences, and an expanded list of my already diverse client experience, but I must say I'm overwhelmed. And these changes came in the midst of hard personal things, which always happens, right? :)

I now have:
1. 10 accounts - my historical high was four; also seven of those are currently active, five in planning season
2. Four group directors - previously had two, three of these current four are new for me
3. Four new planners - two are right out of school and two are new to the agency and each have very different styles, understanding, and need to be trained differently
4. Seven brand management teams

It is definitely a challenge and I'm continually navigating the best way to get things done while also managing my teams, but am thankful for new experiences. I will also be thankful for a respite over Christmas to empty my mind and rest with the fam.

Okay, now back to it so I can finish my 10 item must do on 12/15 list! :)

Little Light of Mine

2010-12-06T17:22:00.001-06:00

I had to share this as I've never seen it on TV. Each December, our agency has an internal voting for the best creative for the year. Last year, my favorite (and the year's winner!) was for Salvation Army and once again, my favorite for the year is the Salvation Army.

Anyway, I watched it three times for it's so good. My favorite is the guy with only two teeth singing at the top of his lungs (they cast creative from actual people served by the Salvation Army).

The Salvation Army has solid purpose to do the most good for the sake of Jesus Christ. Enjoy.

A Boyfriend for Christmas

2010-12-06T14:23:00.001-06:00

Last night Katie and I watched my favorite of the cheesy, made-for-TV Christmas movies, A Boyfriend for Christmas. And then we decided it's too bad we didn't ask Santa for a boyfriend on year instead of Barbie like Holly did, as maybe he'd bring us one this year. *Sigh*

I also watched White Christmas, one of my favorites, while cleaning/organizing/working on Christmas things. And without fail, the "what do you do with a general when he stops being a general" song brought tears to my eyes as it always does. I guess it's because of my dad and granddaddy.

Happy Christmas movie season!

Elle est une petite bebe!

2010-12-01T14:47:00.000-06:00

Bring on the sparkles, princesses, pink, and all things girly for new Baby Franks is a GIRL! Yep, my brother will be surrounded with more glittery, girliness and I'm sure McKenzie will teach her all the ways of princesses and barbie.

She is looking fabulously healthy and weighing in at 12oz (which means nothing to me...) and is set to make her way into the world on or around April 28th. Apparently she has a name, but Adam and Heather are keeping it under wraps for now. I'm sure it'll be perfect!

Bring on the girly baby sewing. I'm going to have to show some restraint, I have so many ideas... :)

Thank you, Lord, for this most precious blessing. We are thankful for the life you are knitting together and are praying now for you to save her and use her in mighty ways for your glory. Blessed to be her aunt.

Turning Around Annoyance

2010-12-01T11:08:00.000-06:00

To be quite frank, today I'm annoyed. Some things are pretty minor, but since there are some bigger annoyances, too, they seem to be magnified. In the span of the past few days, the following has occurred:

1. I learned that my upstairs neighbor asked the landlord to wait to fix the leak in her daughter's shower that has been creating a royally disgusting mess in mine for two+ weeks until after their Christmas party on Saturday. Mind you I haven't been able to use it in this time frame. Seriously? A party? Ugh...

2. Two buttons on my favorite Ugg boots cracked this morning and a piece broke off of one of them. They're not in warranty anymore, so I'm hoping I can figure out a way to fix it. Thankfully they're the inside buttons...

3. I was late to work. No, not past 8:29:59, but arrived right as they were shutting the door for Wednesday Morning Meeting. And one of my new planners was presenting...

4. I'm currently dealing with a GIANT error on the part of a former TRG employee. I'm really, really hoping our print negotiating supervisor can get us out of it or else it'll be bad with the client...

5. I learned some incredibly sad news about a situation in one of my girls' families which just breaks my heart, particularly as we try to love her and one of my other girls in the midst of an excruciating family situation, too.

6. I got a new account today that, as of yesterday, was handled by the boyfriend of one of my other bosses who was let go. I didn't know him and don't know her well (she's a new boss), but I just feel awkward and sad for them.

7. My car has been starting strangely since it got colder. It's annoying me as I'm nervous for something worse but crossing my fingers it's just cold. I mean, the car is German, it shouldn't get sad at temperatures in the 30s!

And so now, I'm letting it go and recognizing that each of these issues, big and small, are not a surprise to God and WILL ultimately be used for good, regardless of how they turn out today or tomorrow. For I'm striving to know the Lord your God is God; he is THE faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. Deuteronomy 7:9

And I'm turning the annoyance into JOY. Joy in the above affirmation and in the good things I do see today; things such as:

1. Finding out if I'll have a niece or nephew...TODAY!!

2. Thankfulness that both of my precious girls in the midst of hard things refused to go at it alone and chose to tell me and eventually the entire small group.

3. Fun pink Christmas trees!

4. Peppermint coffee in my snazzy Christmas mug

5. And we still have cinnamon and chocolaaaaaaaaaaaate!!!!

Thank you, Lord, for helping me turn mourning into dancing. Annoyance into joy. Frustrations into praises. And for this most beautiful season celebrating the birth of salvation and ultimate love.

Cutie Patootie

2010-11-29T13:09:00.000-06:00

Dear Cuties,

You are my most favorite Christmastime fruity treat. I love your citrusy sweetness and the ease with which you can be peeled. You are small enough to tuck inside my bag for an afternoon pick-me-up or to fit within the toe of a Christmas stocking hanging on the mantel for a present-opening snack. Thanks for quenching my Monday lunchtime sweet tooth; I look forward to many more days of enjoyment during this most festive season.

Welcome back. I've missed you.

Fondly,
Sarah

Thaaaaanksgiving!!!!!

2010-11-23T17:17:00.001-06:00

In 7 minutes I will be leaving the office and making the trek down to good ole San Antone. The weather will be warmer than I'd like, but I'll just pretend there's a nip in the air and dress accordingly. Regardless, I'm super duper excited to see my parents, who I haven't seen since MAY! And the rest of the fam of course.

I'm in charge of the table decorations which, although not on the level of Caryn fabulousness, I think will be festive. I'm also going to try my hand at learning my Mema's famous mashed potatoes and my mom's famous apple pie! Thankfully my mom will also be making a pie, otherwise we'd likely end up with a Friends-like incident. You know the one when Rachel screws up the trifle: "first there's a layer of lady fingers, then there's a layer of jam, then beef sauteed with peas and onions..." Hoping I don't somehow mix something crazy in the mashed potatoes...

So here's hoping you all have a gobbley good turkey day full of scrumptous food, people you love and who love you, and praises to the One who gave it all! I'll be sure to take pictures of my domesticated attempts!

And fingers crossed for no traffic for me...eek! :)

What is Discipleship?

2010-11-23T11:49:00.000-06:00

This is a question that has been swirling around in my head these last few weeks. Why, might you ask? Well, I’ve realized that what I once thought it was, I now know it is not; it’s so much more. I used to think it was fairly flat and one dimensional and consisted of the “must dos” of the faith: read your Bible (check), go to church (check), prep and lead small group (check), give some of your money to the poor (check), share the gospel (check), and squeeze in some check-in time with the small group girls (check). Notice how my original thoughts were all centered around a check list of dos? Not that these elements are bad, but somewhere along the way of the past five+ years, God obliterated this view of discipleship and started building a new one. One that consists of pain at times (as shattered dreams and changed hearts sometimes bring pain), but insanely more joy that makes the pain completely worth it and it's so much fun! And one that doesn’t necessarily look a certain way, but is fluid and shifts based on the Lord’s direction.

So here is what I know today about discipleship (from my experience):

1. Discipleship isn’t simply leading a small group, it’s daily spending personal time with the Lord to know and allow him to change you, and then asking him to use you to ignite hearts and souls for him

2. Discipleship isn’t about walking the road alone, it’s about living in community yourself so you in turn can teach and lead others

3. Discipleship isn’t loving or serving with the expectation of a response or even a thank you, it’s knowing that all the time, sweat, and tears is for a greater good and a greater reward

4. Discipleship isn’t putting in an hour a week, it’s investing countless hours with a group of sometimes crazy middle/high school girls with the intention of helping them feel known and loved

5. Discipleship isn’t trying to convince anyone into following a list of dos and don’ts, it’s praying earnestly for God to change hearts and build into each girl a unique heart for only him

6. Discipleship isn’t skirting the hard things and being afraid of how a wavering girl may respond, it’s being committed to Truth and loving a girl in ruins so much that sometimes it leads her to despise you

7. Discipleship isn’t keeping quiet about your deepest, darkest demons out of shame or fear, it’s humbly sharing, praying that the Lord will not return your authenticity void, and reveling in the way that he uses it for his good

8. Discipleship isn’t avoiding the girls who are sometimes hard to love, it’s recognizing each one is precious and worthy of love, and knowing God will work through each one uniquely

9. Discipleship isn’t giving up on a wandering child, it’s praying earnestly for her heart to return to him and celebrating the tiniest step of surrender

10. Discipleship isn’t being serious all of the time, it’s about fun, joy, goofiness, and playing because God created and desires us to have fun, too!

11. Discipleship isn’t being selfish with your time, it’s availing yourself for a girl who needs to share or cry or simply to receive a hug

12. Discipleship isn’t about our comfort, our praise, our glory, it’s about bringing glory to the name of the Lord.

Ultimately, discipleship isn’t about us, it’s solely about God’s purposes. The road isn’t for the weary or the faint hearted, it’s for the one who admits she is weak and requires her Savior’s strength when times get tough and who praises God's name when things are easier and fun.

And it is so worth it.

Pillows & Mockingjays & Uggs Oh My!

2010-11-16T10:18:00.000-06:00

Today, even thought the forecast is in the 60s, I bit the bullet and wore my Uggs! Why? Because I wanted to. Plus, lots of people have busted out boots and such. I did pair them with a half-sleeved dress so as to not look like an eskimo in the 60 degree weather. Regardless, they make me very happy!

Stop the phone and pick up this book! I'm fully hooked to the series. So much so that, even though a friend offered to let be borrow the third and final book, I couldn't wait so ran out to get it yesterday since I had a coupon! I love good books.

I will say, don't judge it by the back description. When the plot is explained, it sounds crazy. But I promise, it's really good.

Woo hoo for learning new sewing skills! Here is my pillow from my CityCraft class. I learned how to make custom bias tape, custom cording (and to attach it!), inserting an invisible zipper, which all let to the above pillow! I have a bunch of old pillow forms at home, so think I'll try my hand at some more pillows for my bedroom once the Christmas crafting is complete. Thinking fun trim and some embroidery next time...

And finally, I'm ALMOST done with Christmas shopping! One present left to get. Now, I still have a few things to finish making, but all-in-all, doing pretty dang well.

My Navigator

2010-11-15T09:46:00.000-06:00

A week ago, I picked up this book. I’d never heard of it and yet when browsing the shelves of Barnes & Noble looking for something to study, was drawn to the beauty of the cover (yes, I judge books by their covers). I picked it up and, after reading the back and flipping through, decided it could help. See, it’s a retranslation of the Psalms with the goal to celebrate the beauty and truth of the Bible, creating an experience to recapture and reignite hearts and souls for the Lord. The group has translated multiple books in the New Testament, too, but I only saw the Psalms and also felt like it would be ideal given the nature of that book. Side note: this translation is not intended for deep, inductive study; it’s purely meant as another tool to enhance God’s word. The Ecclesia Bible Society used a combination of scholars, poets, artists, and writers to translate the Psalms.

Anyway, yesterday I was reading Psalm 31 and verse 3 particularly jumped out at me. One of the descriptors used to describe God was navigator. I kept reading and re-reading that verse as it says for the sake of God’s name, he is my guide, comfort, and navigator. For the sake of his name he cannot leave me floundering. And the use of navigator stirs in me many more images, thoughts, and understanding that it probably does the average person. Why? Because my dad is a navigator.
For the better part of my dad’s career in the Air Force, he worked as a navigator in the massive plane, the B-52 (also known as the Buff). So, unlike some who may breeze past the word or just think of the goofy kid in the 80s flick Flight of the Navigator, I have a personal connection to the meaning. A navigator is a crucial member of a flight team. They literally navigate the plane from point A to point B but they are also responsible for navigating the bombs. On top of that, my dad is a kind, gentle, yet incredibly strong man.

So I just sat and stared at that verse for a while as I thought about what it meant in terms of describing an aspect of the Lord’s character. Obviously the Lord navigates the path of our lives. But I thought about the other aspect of a navigators job, using radars and such to find, target, and take down enemies from the sky. God doesn’t simply direct our paths, my path, he fights for me. Sometimes I don’t see it as, like the B-52, it can come stealthily, but he does fight. And, although I don’t completely understand heaven and am struggling with aspects of it right now, I know the ultimate fight has already been done. This life will not have a surprise ending, no matter what I may think or feel.

I won’t say I’m without fear, but I am striving to trust my navigator. To know and trust that he is greater than my earthly dad and continuously fights for me, even when I sleep. So today I’ll end with a few pictures of the lovely B-52 (including one from right after my dad’s last flight; yes he’s wet…it’s tradition) interspersed with reminders of how the Lord fights for me.

Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still. Exodus 14:13

Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God himself will fight for you. Deuteronomy 3:22

One of you routs a thousand, because the Lord your God fights for you, just as he promised. Joshua 23:10

You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you. 2 Chronicles 20:17

Hosea

2010-11-09T17:44:00.000-06:00

To those who know me well and live in community with me day-to-day, this is no earth-shattering news. I’ve been struggling lately with believing God’s words, promises, everything really. I don’t know exactly where this came from as I was walking closely with him one day and almost the next day nothing made sense. One day I relished the depth of his word that spoke into my heart and the next I felt as though I were reading some distant, complicated novel. I suppose this may be a common occurrence to some, but it was very strange to me as I couldn’t figure out why whereas other times I’ve felt distant from the Lord, I understood where it was coming from. Pretty much since that day I’ve shifted between apathy (or at least wanting to be apathetic) to longing for previous days to feeling like I failed in some way. Last week at community, one of the girls reminded me that although I feel differently about the Lord, he is not any different today than he has been ever. I'm trying to grasp that.

Anyway, that’s a high-level look at where I’ve been, so hopefully it’ll make more sense in where I’m going today.

As I mentioned, one of the albums I’ve been listening to fairly non-stop lately is Jacob and Lily. They’re an obscure Canadian band that I ran across on iTunes several years ago, and I was immediately drawn to the raw, imperfections in the sound combined with descriptively deep lyrics. While literally every song is a favorite, I have a particular affection for Hosea. It’s a song about the book Hosea in the Bible which, although odd, is one of my most favorite books. It’s a little hard to explain why, except I see parallels to my own life (well except the prostitute part...)

So rather than attempt to place words to what I’m thinking/feeling, I’ll simply share to passages; the first from the song and the second from the King James version (random translation, I know, but I liked it best for this) of Hosea. For whatever reason, they gave me a glimmer of hope that I can get back on the road and will again feel connected to the Lord.

But your heart is wild and your eyes they wander, why do I miss you? And it’s a fast steep slope that I’m on, don’t know where this started, what went wrong. it’s a fast steep slope that I’m on. Carry me through the fire into the deepest part of the river.

I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely: for mine anger is turned away from him. I will be as the dew unto Israel: he shall grow as the lily, and cast forth his roots as Lebanon. His branches shall spread, and his beauty shall be as the olive tree, and his smell as Lebanon. They that dwell under his shadow shall return; they shall revive as the corn, and grow as the vine: the scent thereof shall be as the wine of Lebanon. Ephraim shall say, What have I to do any more with idols? I have heard him, and observed him: I am like a green fir tree. From me is thy fruit found. Hosea 14:4-7

Little of This and That

2010-11-08T09:15:00.000-06:00

Confession #2 (and a little more serious, I suppose).
There are days when I want to be a mom so badly it hurts. Interestingly, they aren’t days when I’m around other folks’ kids, it’s typically when an idea pops into my mind related to parenting or fun kid-related things; ideas to bring joy and fun into daily life. Things that, while can be tweaked for kids that aren’t yours, would be more sweet and meaningful if they were. These days I sort of shove the ideas aside as dwelling on them brings forth emotions/thoughts that I just don’t want to deal with. Not in a stuffing manner, simply because dwelling on them would be futile and more damaging than reminding myself I don’t have children. Maybe someday I’ll be able to pull them from the recesses of my mind and put to use. But today, I will refocus my thinking to something relevant for today’s lifestage.

In other news, I’m taking my first ever CityCraft class tonight. Realistically, I’ve sort of figured out how to do the things in the class, but have a feeling I’m either doing them incorrectly or inefficiently so decided to put my birthday gift to use and take a class. I’m excited to have something different to do and possibly meet some new folks, even if it is just for the class this week and next (it’s two weeks long). And at least I’ll have one project started and finished by next Monday as my mind is reeling with Christmas ideas, making me a tad overwhelmed that I'll finish any of them. Thankfully I’ve almost finished all immediate family gifts; just have a few finishing touches for McKenzie’s, one piece left for Heather and Adam, and basically finished with my parents.

And finally, I stumbled across a new artist (at least new to me) last week. Her name is Mindy Gledhill and I’ve fallen in love with her album Anchor. It’s quite different from the typical music I listen to in that it’s a little more soft and airy, but I love her lyrics. There’s something whimsical and magical about them. And it’s happy-sounding. Aside from that, I’ve also been listening to Brooke Fraser’s new album, Jacob and Lilly (betcha never heard of them!), some Damien Rice, my jazz standard friends (Sinatra, Holliday, Fitzgerald, Armstrong, Martin), Shane and Shane’s new one, and a little musical joyousness (Sound of Music, Annie, South Pacific, get the picture). Quite the eclectic mix, eh? Oh well. It’s the sounds of fall 2010.

Oh and in case you’re wildly curious about the challenges. Sorry. I just haven’t felt up to sharing the first week’s with the cyber world; they’ve been much more personally challenging than outwardly interesting. Maybe this week. Today’s is the CityCraft class, even though that may be cheating a little since I signed up for it in October… Eh, whatever.