Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Under the Microscope

Lately, I've sort of felt like I was living under a microscope. And I don't particularly like science (which makes the fact I was both an engineering and nursing major in college quite amusing)...

As I ponder this notion, I can't help but remember my days in high school science class. I had a love/hate relationship with lab days. On one hand, it broke the monotony of lectures, but on the other, it made it unbelievably clear how much I had no clue as to what the world I was doing... Sometimes I'm not sure how I passed biology or chemistry...in high school or college! Anyway, I remember the microscope days. You know the ones, when you're supposed to look at gross, weird stuff on the little slide? Yeah, I feel like I was great at faking it. I'd look and say I saw X and Y, when in reality it looked like a gross blob.

I think perhaps my teachers liked my creative responses? Who knows. Back to present day.

Along with not being a fan of science, I'm also not a fan of looking at myself or thinking about how I feel. It's interesting as I'm most definitely a feelings-based person, but when it's about me? No thanks. I'd rather focus on you. Or the random person I don't know. Or imaginary people. (before you think I'm crazy on that last one, I mean fictional characters...you know, books, movies, TV shows)

Lately I feel like I'm being pushed on that weirdo slide and shoved under the microscope. And then, to make it even more uncomfortable, am forced to look myself. So not a fan! I don't particularly want to see the gross blobs. The parts of my story I wish would just disappear (and you can bet your bottom dollar I've prayed that they would...hey, God can do that).

And yet, as a glutton for punishment, I keep going back to that science class. I keep allowing myself to be microscoped. And keep looking in that greasy eye piece (I remember them being greasy; random, I know). And keep analyzing the blobs and trying to figure out answers, yet typically turning up with none.

I hate the microscope. I sort of want to break the microscope, and yet I know it's necessary. I'm fighting it tooth and nail, sometimes thinking it's a big waste of time and energy, and sometimes feeling like a horrible person as I get tired of looking at my own blobs. I don't want to look at mine! I want to help others and not be annoying by asking others to help me decipher said blobs!

Even so, I know I have to keep going. Keep listening to the Instructor, keep looking at the microscope, and trust that eventually the blobs will make sense with the Instructor's help.

So while I hate the microscope, I'm choosing to be thankful for it.