To those who know me well and live in community with me day-to-day, this is no earth-shattering news. I’ve been struggling lately with believing God’s words, promises, everything really. I don’t know exactly where this came from as I was walking closely with him one day and almost the next day nothing made sense. One day I relished the depth of his word that spoke into my heart and the next I felt as though I were reading some distant, complicated novel. I suppose this may be a common occurrence to some, but it was very strange to me as I couldn’t figure out why whereas other times I’ve felt distant from the Lord, I understood where it was coming from. Pretty much since that day I’ve shifted between apathy (or at least wanting to be apathetic) to longing for previous days to feeling like I failed in some way. Last week at community, one of the girls reminded me that although I feel differently about the Lord, he is not any different today than he has been ever. I'm trying to grasp that.
Anyway, that’s a high-level look at where I’ve been, so hopefully it’ll make more sense in where I’m going today.
As I mentioned, one of the albums I’ve been listening to fairly non-stop lately is Jacob and Lily. They’re an obscure Canadian band that I ran across on iTunes several years ago, and I was immediately drawn to the raw, imperfections in the sound combined with descriptively deep lyrics. While literally every song is a favorite, I have a particular affection for Hosea. It’s a song about the book Hosea in the Bible which, although odd, is one of my most favorite books. It’s a little hard to explain why, except I see parallels to my own life (well except the prostitute part...)
So rather than attempt to place words to what I’m thinking/feeling, I’ll simply share to passages; the first from the song and the second from the King James version (random translation, I know, but I liked it best for this) of Hosea. For whatever reason, they gave me a glimmer of hope that I can get back on the road and will again feel connected to the Lord.
But your heart is wild and your eyes they wander, why do I miss you? And it’s a fast steep slope that I’m on, don’t know where this started, what went wrong. it’s a fast steep slope that I’m on. Carry me through the fire into the deepest part of the river.
I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely: for mine anger is turned away from him. I will be as the dew unto Israel: he shall grow as the lily, and cast forth his roots as Lebanon. His branches shall spread, and his beauty shall be as the olive tree, and his smell as Lebanon. They that dwell under his shadow shall return; they shall revive as the corn, and grow as the vine: the scent thereof shall be as the wine of Lebanon. Ephraim shall say, What have I to do any more with idols? I have heard him, and observed him: I am like a green fir tree. From me is thy fruit found. Hosea 14:4-7