Monday, September 13, 2010

Being Carried

Today I feel as though I'm drowning. To be honest, I've felt this way for a few weeks, but haven't exactly known what to do about it, so I've attempted to just push through it.

There is too much going on...
Too much work
Too many hurt people
Too much poverty
Too much brokenness
Too much swirling around in my head
Too much to do
Too much I'm undisciplined at
Too much to keep track of

I really should be working now, but I needed a minute. A minute to breathe and think, so I thought I'd write it out as that sometimes helps me.

I was just asked to take on another account. In theory, I should be pleased that I was given another, but this is the fourth account added to my plate in the past month, and it is overwhelming. On top of that, another formerly dormant account is now incredibly active, I have Wednesday Morning Meeting #2 this week, have a new group director with a different style to work with, and feel like I'm doing a horrendous job managing the planners who help me. I also feel guilty that I'm not thinking of new things strategically for the account I've now had the longest, and they have asked for more of that. I know it will all work out as all things do, but right now, I can't even pick what to start with, how to prioritize, and what to do.

I am also overwhelmed by my desire to serve more deeply, yet feeling guilty that I don't know how or when I'll be able to fit that in. I went to West Dallas Saturday morning to serve, spending the morning cleaning out former drug houses that will be converted to rehabilitation houses. This area is five miles from my house. That much poverty is FIVE miles away. I knew it, but seeing it was so strange. Picking up gobs of cold medicine and razor blades amidst a broken down, nasty, holes-in-the-floor house was eye opening. There is so much poverty in this world. So much slavery. So much brokenness.

And then I'm overwhelmed by my own attempts to be disciplined financially, yet continually being slammed with obnoxious medical, car, and other bills. Yet I know I still can do more, do I have the courage?

And then my girls, my precious girls applying for college. And my community, wanting to grow in accountability but not knowing how.

Other things are also swirling in my head and overwhelming me. Things that I won't share here, but fill my thoughts and heart and leave me with more questions than answers.

It's all too much.

So right now I am clinging to God's word. Clinging to the truth that as I carry my cross, he carries me. That he will never give me too much to handle apart from him. Today I'm walking with hands open, asking for help, for I don't know what to do, but I know he does and I know he won't leave me alone.

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 46:4