Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Not My Thing

I've decided wrestling with decisions, especially when they are so ambiguous I can't quite wrap my head around what they even are, is one of my most unfavorite things. In the past year and a half or so, I've had a thought swirling through my mind. I wasn't sure what it was or if it was just "dreamer Sarah" and not anything ever actionable. I hadn't shared and when they popped into my mind, found myself pondering, praying, getting more confused, and pushing it aside.

Until last night when I had the brilliant idea after making a late night diet pepsi run (sad, I know) to send an email about my random thought. Why oh why do I do that? Irk! In a moment of weakness I share and then fairly quickly miss the days of AOL when you could unsend and unread email... Grr...

Anyway, so if course that opens a can of worms and the thoughts have been ever-present in my mind today, and I've since shared with two more people, feeling more confused and frustrated than before. I want to climb into a hole. Seriously.

I don't process things well. I get overwhelmed, think I'm doing it wrong, and don't really know how to pray through this since it's so flipping ambiguous.

So I blog instead. And stir. And have anxiety. And want to cry. And desperately need some direction. Though I could just push it away again; maybe that's the best bet.

*sigh* I'm tired and ready for bed. Bonsoir mon amis! A bientot.
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