Monday, September 14, 2009

Organized Chaos (Not by Me Of Course)

The thoughts for today have been stewing in my mind for a while, and I have hesitated sharing as I don’t quite have a grasp on where God’s taking them. However, although it may be a bit disjointed and all over the place, I decided to just start writing as I am an external processor and know God may not show me for many years to come where he’s taking these seemingly random bits of thought. So here it goes; and I warn you, if you are one who prefers to read entries tied up with a bow, this is not for you. J

I finished CR. In August (for those of you who do not know what CR is, click here). It was quite a surprise in some sense, as a year ago the process seemed extremely daunting. I jumped in with both feet, dragging myself to meetings and sharing even when every ounce of my being wanted to avoid it like the plague. Thankfully, for the most part, God gave me a spirit of anxiousness to dig into the junk, so I usually went willingly and anticipating how God would use each Monday. Now that it’s been a few weeks from completing, I’ll be honest to say I expected to have some sort of “ah ha” moment. It hasn’t come, but I suppose that shouldn’t be much of a surprise given the nature of God, who moves in his timing, changing the heart bit by bit. In any case, while not perfectly, I am attempting to continue working through the steps, incorporating it into my daily life.

Satan and his gaggle of Screwtape-like tempters really bother me. A whole lot. Lately the uncreative one has been wreaking havoc in my dreams. I usually don’t remember dreams very often (except the occasional funny or random one), but over the past few months, I have often woken quite confused by scenarios that either tempt me in areas of sin I struggle with or that feed into my insecurities. I haven’t had the quality of sleep I am used to, which in turn also makes it quite difficult to wake up in time to spend any meaningful time with God. This morning, for example, although I had coffee, I sort of stared blankly at my Bible not focusing on what the words said. I also have felt much more insecure in my body and in comparison with friends. I haven’t quite figured out how you battle Satan in your dreams as that is the essence of me being without control. Any thoughts there? I’d love advice.

When I have had quality time with my King, I’ve been a bit all over the place. This really doesn’t stress me out as I believe every single solitary word is beneficial for my soul, plus, let’s face it. I’m a bit all over the place myself, so my Bible-reading style shouldn’t be all that surprising. In any case, although I’ve bounced from the story of the Israelites exodus from Egypt, desert-wandering, and Promised Land-entry, the Psalms of Ascent, James, and my 2010 Journey devotional passage, God in his unsurprising sovereignty has created ties between the various, seemingly different sections of Scripture. Although each section is humanly written by different people who lived at completely different times, they are holily written (and yes, I realize this probably isn’t a word, roll with it) by our Perfect Father. And I believe he orchestrated this time for me to spend in the midst of these sections.

Anyway, I am struck by how easily the Israelites slip away from trusting God’s provision and goodness after seeing amazing miracles. And then quickly realize I do the exact same thing. I want to have the words of praise on my lips that the Jews had on theirs when ascending the steps of the temple. The organization of those Psalms progressing as they prepare their hearts for worship astounds and encourages me to enter worship of the Creater of the earth with greater reverence. I also have been moved to tears often with the knowledge that I have the privilege to intimately know the most holy, big, Majestic, Sovereign, I could go on-and-on God and also the knowledge that I often choose meaningless things instead of him. Precious God, I do not even remotely comprehend the profundity of this and the deep satisfaction I would have if I truly, truly believed in every ounce of myself your trustworthy goodness. Forgive my doubting, selfish, prideful soul and thank you for loving and pursuing me in spite of it.

James reminds me of the father of lies and how easily I can falter, yet how sweet God is to provide wisdom if I only ask and listen. And how he blesses our perseverance through the hoopla that is thrown at us. And my Journey devo passage excites me greatly. As of now, God is leading me toward a very raw entry to accompany my assigned commonly known and read passage. To be quite frank, I’m a bit nervous, but trust that it’s in God’s hands and he has a reason for what he’s currently laying on my heart. I pray my struggles will help encourage others know and love him more. And that’s all I’ll say for that one, you’ll have to wait for April 9th. J

So that’s a bit into the randomness swirling in my mind. Well, not randomness since I know God is moving, but you get the picture.