Recently, my community group completed the study “No Other Gods,” which I’d highly recommend to anyone. The study focuses on our modern day idols; modern day in that not very many Americans worship statues and such, at least that I know of. In any case, my eyes were opened to idols I grip so tightly, many of which are not bad, per say, just detract my heart from Christ. The author, Kelly Minter, is an excellently raw writer, weaving powerful Biblical stories with practical, genuine applications.
It’s been several weeks (maybe even a month?) since we finished and, though I have not sat down and intentionally thought through my idols recently, just this morning God stirred my heart revealing one I hadn’t recognized that is deeply entwined in my heart.
The past few days have been somewhat bittersweet for me. Growing up, we did not pay much attention to Mother’s Day, aside from a handmade gift, card, etc. Not that we were ungrateful children, my family tends to place more attention on birthdays and both of my parents’ sandwich Mother’s and Father’s Days. With that said, I have continued that trend in recognizing the day briefly, but not giving it much thought. So, when I was feeling a little off yesterday, Mother’s Day being the reason never crossed my mind…until this morning.
More than anything else in the world, I long to be married and a mother. It’s been a desire for as long as I can remember and, though it is not promised, I have realized over the past few months, that I subconsciously have dates and experiences reserved in my mind for being a wife and mother. For example, once I complete CR, then I’ll meet someone. Or, once I’m married, then I’ll finally go to France. Or, once I have a family, then I’ll finally be able to do X and X and X…you get the picture.
This morning, I realized my off feeling yesterday was related to my grief over not being where I thought I’d be. Not being anywhere, remotely near marriage, let along motherhood, Sunday making it even more abundantly clear. And sneaky ole Satan used it to breed thoughts of being off and undesirable.
Praise God for not allowing it to stop there, me wallowing in the lies being whispered into my ears. Instead, as I was beginning my community group’s new study of Esther (and not getting far after God laid this on my heart), God’s whisper was louder than that of Satan’s. He gently said “Sarah, you desire marriage and motherhood more than me.” The truth of this whisper shocked me to my core, as it is completely true. I dream about being married and having a family, yet rarely do I fill that amount of space or thoughts in my head with the love of Christ. I am like my namesake, Sarah, Abraham’s wife; well, except for the fact that she is married and gives her servant to her husband, but that’s not the point. She does not trust God. He explicitly promises descendants to Abraham and she takes things into her own hands. And he explicitly promises to love me (Isaiah 54:10), sustain me (Psalm 54:4 & 55:22), carry me (Isaiah 46:4), fight for me (Exodus 14:13), betroth me (Hosea 2:19-20) and I do not trust that HE alone is 100%, completely enough, forever, for always.
I’ll end with the lyrics from a song based on Psalm 23 by Jon Foreman, House of God Forever, that encapsulates the desire of my heart. I know peeling my fingers from this idol will not come quickly, but I do long to replace it, and instead grip the Lord even more tightly.
God is my shepherd
I won’t be wanting
I won’t be wanting
He makes me rest in fields of green with quiet streams
Even though I walk through the valley of death and dying
I will not fear, cause you are with me, you are with me
Your shepherd staff, comforts me
You are my feast in the presence of enemies
Surely goodness will follow me, follow me
In the house of God, forever